


Hindsight is 20/20

by youwontdead



Category: Taking Back Sunday
Genre: Catholicism, Don’t worry Adam shows up eventually and he’s fun, Every character is the villain at some point, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Officially one of the longest fics in tbs tag, adam is there from chapter 14+
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:15:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 16
Words: 42,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29611359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youwontdead/pseuds/youwontdead
Summary: This is a fic from uh? 2016 I think. It involves Jesse so I took it down in 2017 (it was on ff.net) but I’m back into tbs again and It’s pieced together because a lot of chapters were missing. It is really not good but there’s not a lot of fics for tbs at all so maybe someone might want to read it.————————(Original Description)John definitely is not gay, whenever it crosses his mind he can assure this to himself. Until he can’t deny it anymore.
Relationships: Adam Lazzara/John Nolan, Jesse Lacey/John Nolan, eventual adam lazzara/john nolan
Comments: 16
Kudos: 4





	1. Sucker Punching is in fact, against the word of God

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was originally a one shot which explains why it’s a little all over the place but let’s be honest if you’re reading this you were desperate for something to read. 
> 
> I’m not American so if I get the grades fucked up please tell me, the system is very confusing (I also use UK spelling so just don’t mind that.) 
> 
> All comments and kudos are appreciated (because I’ll end up having to write chapters cause there’s some missing in my files heheh)

John and Jesse met in the fourth grade.

Neither of them could quite remember how they met, or how they became friends, they knew it must’ve been Jesse though. 

John wasn’t a social kid. It was sort of like Jesse adopted him.

John's parents were glad. His dad particularly. Jesse had a Christian family too. A perfect fit for each other really.

John wasn’t social but he still wanted friends. He was extremely attached to his friend who he declared his best friend when they were 10.

He said this while they were at Johns house in the sitting room playing his old SNES. Jesse agreed with him. They were best friends. Jesse had a few friends, he was easy to talk to and talked to a lot of the guys in his class. John only had one friend, Jesse. But Jesse liked John the most out of his friends, so it didn’t matter.

They only got closer when it came to middle school. They didn’t like the change. Jesse said it was a big deal but John didn’t really think it was. He wanted everything to stay the same, the two of them best friends, playing the SNES and laughing all the time every day.  


Why  would he want anything to change?

Jesse talked of making loads of new friends and being super cool and parties and maybe even getting a girlfriend. John felt like hadn’t really reached that age where girls stop being disgusting and you start to like them. He was just late to the party.

They still only got closer. Jesse made a few friends, by association they were sort of friends with John too. It’s not that they didn’t like John, all of the members of their friend group that they formed got along great. He felt welcome with them, but his best friend was always Jesse, and he found himself always vying for his attention.

Middle school meant puberty. Neither of them liked it that much. Jesse was always taller than John, but he hit puberty first so he made John look tiny for a time. 

Jesse's least favourite part of puberty was the anger. The emotions. He snapped - a lot. Mostly at his parents. Sometimes at his sister. Sometimes at his brother. He tried not to get riled up in school. He was aggressive angry. Not the punch-walls type, but he certainly wanted to do that. He thought if he got angry enough he could probably kill someone.

John didn’t like the emotions either. He fought with his sister more - but he became more silent at home. More inside his head.

But his least favourite part was not the same as Jesse's.

John didn’t like how horny he was all the time. He had been possibly a weirdly religious child. He used to pray not to get called on in class when he didn’t do his homework. Not just a hope kind of pray. But he would go to the bathroom and straight-up bargain with God. He read the Bible every night.

He did not like puberty one bit.

He didn’t know what to do about it. They learnt Sex Ed once and John and Jesse joked around the whole time.

John knew masturbation was a sin, but it got to a point where he didn’t care.

There was a night where it got too much, and he just had to. 

He didn’t know what to think about, of course, he didn’t think about much. He just let regular things cross his mind.

* * *

Jesse's experience, on the other hand, was not the same. He wasn’t afraid of it. He shared a room with his brother, though, so he used to only do it in the shower or in the bathroom or when he was gone, because hormonal as he was - he would feel awful doing anything with his younger brother with him. 

He thought about normal things. Girls, that one scene from that movie he wasn’t supposed to watch, eventually porn when he watched it.

But over time, he chose to think about other things. When his best friend crossed his mind he didn’t push the thought out. He let himself think about him. He didn’t think it was weird, random things crossed your mind all the time when you’re jerking off, it doesn’t mean you’re attracted to what you’re having for dinner later. It made it feel better, to think about John. He just thought it didn’t mean anything. 

_It didn’t mean anything._

Jesse crossed John's mind too sometimes. He didn’t think it was normal. It made him panic. It made him stop sometimes. It made him try desperately to think of anything else. It was wrong to think of Jesse while doing that. Jesse was Jesse. His best friend. A guy.

John tried to think about girls, he never watched porn. But he knew what girls looked like, he knew what they were supposed to look like naked. It didn’t help him to think about though - so instead he chose to focus on the feeling.

* * *

High school. They all went to the same high school, the whole group of friends. They were pretty happy about it. It was religious - of course. They weren’t all that religious but their families were and they didn’t choose their own high school.

“So we all watch porn, yeah?”. Their friend James threw into the conversation at lunch, seemingly at random. John had sort of tuned out of the conversation so he wasn’t sure where the question really came from. He was just eating his food in peace.

There was a series of agreements which included Jesse, of course.

“John?” James turned to him.

“What?”

“Well do you?” 

John was wracking his brain trying to remember what the question was. Porn. _Oh._

“I uh..”

James started laughing and it sort of turned to a sort of group laughing then - including Jesse. John was extremely embarrassed.

As James stopped laughing “I can’t tell if that means you don’t or you’re just shy as fuck.”

Jesse chimed in “He’s always shy.” he was still sort of laughing. John wondered if he embarrassed Jesse with their friends, being the way that he is. It’s not that he was never fun, he could be, they thought he was funny most of the time.

“Well, are ya gonna answer John?” He felt like James was grilling him. The best way of acting in this situation was to laugh with them, it’s better than being laughed at.

“I don’t have my own computer, man. You think I’m gonna watch porn in the kitchen with my mom watching?” They laughed with him. Thank god.

“I mean your mom is hot” William spoke

“Aw gross man... you’re never coming to my place.”

They were laughing again.

“I can’t believe that. Jesse, he’s always at yours yeah? Show him some.” From the look on Jesse's face, John figured his heart stopped like his.

“I’m not fuckin doing that.” He was trying to react as normally as possible. He didn’t exactly feel like getting horny right beside John. He thought about it.. he wondered what John was like horny. He pictured him jerking off. Then he stopped - these were not the thoughts for school.

“Come on, he’s missing out.”

John just looked down. It felt wrong to watch porn. He definitely didn’t want to watch that. His dad actually said he could get a computer soon, but he still wouldn’t watch it once he got one.

“Fine then, you’re so full of shit James.” Jesse laughed, maybe he did want to see John watch it. He wouldn’t admit that though. John snapped up.

“I’m  not doing that Jesse.”

“Is Catholic guilt that strong?” William laughed at his own not-joke. John didn’t really know why it was so funny. He didn’t want to go to hell - they can’t blame him for that. 

Jesse laughed with him.

“Okay now I have to ask, do you even jerk off?”

John stopped dead. Something about Jesse asking him made his heart stop. He didn’t know why.

“Of course I do...” It was true.

It was James’ turn to speak again. “What do you even jerk off to then? If you’ve never watched porn.”

“I know what women look like, James.”

“I was convinced you were gay.”

They all started laughing again. John was extremely defensive, he felt like he hated all of them.  _ How dare they_ _._ He wasn’t gay. He wasn’t.

William spoke again. “He’s obsessed with Jesse too.” 

It just got worse. John wasn’t a violent guy, but he was going to kill him.

“Shut the fuck up, Will.”

“Oooh maybe he has a crush.”

John stood up. Like before, he wasn’t a violent man. But he was gonna start a fight right now if someone didn’t hold him back.

The rest of the gang stayed pretty silent in the conversation thus far. David and Owen weren’t really the type to make fun of people too much, so this conversation wasn’t really their cup of tea. They wondered if John would actually fight William. They thought John was pretty funny, chill though, he didn’t make fun of people either. It sucked that he was so close with Jesse. Jesse seemed more of the type to be close with James and William, and John with them. They didn’t think he’d start a fight, but he did seem pissed.

John dragged William by the collar to try and get him to stand up, but instead, William just fell on his ass onto the floor.

“Come on, John.” He didn’t want to hear Jesse's voice right now.He’d fight Jesse too. He’d kill him.

“Fuck all of you.”

“You’d like that wouldn’t yo-“ James’ sentence was cut off by John slapping him across the face. Jesse scrambled up. Jesse didn’t think John would hit anybody - _ever._

He walked to John gently as if John was a bear and if Jesse got near him too fast, he’d be mauled. “You need to calm down, it was just a joke.”

John found Jesse's voice calming. He wanted to calm down now, but he couldn’t. If he wasn’t angry he’d have to explain why he got so angry in the first place and he wasn’t quite sure if he could. He didn’t know why he was so angry. So John just looked him in the eye.

William had stood up by now, he grabbed John by the shoulder. William really only did it for balance, he didn’t want a fight. John was small and weak but he was sort of afraid John might stab him with a fork. John didn’t know it was for balance. He might not have cared, either way, he turned and punched William right in the face.

“Whoa John.” Jesse came up behind him, about to pull him back. John may have started it but he would not win in a fight with William. Jesse didn’t care if William got hurt, but he cared if John did. He didn’t do it in time because William already swung at him.

John took the hit and snapped back immediately. He hit William about three times in the face. He wasn’t strong, but he was fast.

“John stop-“ Jesse finally grabbed him around the chest, in the process pinning his arms down.

“Get off of me-“ he was struggling.

James was recovered from the slap. “He doesn’t mean that Jess, he likes having your arms all over him.” He smirked while he said it. No wonder John started a fight - he wanted to smack James’ smug look right off his face. 

“Just shut up, man.” James would listen to Jesse. No one really made fun of Jesse. It wasn’t clear why, he wasn’t particularly threatening, but it was just a thing the whole group did, they never made fun of Jesse.

Jesse finally let John down. William had already sat down and Jesse watched John walk back to his seat, he was still afraid John might try fight someone else. He then sat down himself.

The bell went. John was so thankful no one had the chance to ask him why he did what he did. He also wondered what the rest of the school thought of what happened. It never turned into a fight so no teacher had to step in but - he figured he’d be getting in trouble real soon.

John, Jesse and David had math together. They made their way out of the canteen in silence. They were stopped in the hall by a teacher none of them knew the name of.

“You three. Office.” There it was. John was gonna get punished. _Bad._

Jesse looked towards John, wondering how he felt. He’d ask him about it later.

When they got to the office, Owen, James and William were all already there. William's bruises started to appear fast. Jesse looked at John's face. John somehow looked hurt worse even though he only got hit once. William must work out.

It was the vice principal they were dealing with. Good. It wasn’t bad enough for the principal.

“So, who’s gonna tell me what happened?”

William and James spoke at the same time, pretty much over each other.

“He slapped me in the fa-“

“He PUNCHED ME!”

Jesse didn’t realize his friends were such snitches. They were all supposed to be friends. They were cowards, they wanted John to get in trouble.

“Who hit who?” The vice-principal eyed John - the other two couldn’t act innocent when John was currently developing a black eye.

They all spoke over each other.

“Okay um... Jesse, John. Come with me into the next room.”

The office had sort of a side room to it. Maybe for situations like this. There was only one chair but there was a chair in the back corner. She dragged it up and motioned them both into the seats, and sat herself down on the other side of the desk.

“So, I trust you two to tell me the truth.” She gave them a small smile. Ms Murphy. Irish last name, like John's. He wondered if her family was Irish. It was common to have an Irish last name in New York State, all the immigration. John liked her more than he liked the principal. The principal was kind of a dick.

“John..?” She pressed on.

“I slapped James, and I punched Will in the face, a few times.” He looked down at his hands. He wasn’t a liar. He couldn’t lie. There’d be no point in this situation but even if he could get away with it, he couldn’t lie.

“Jesse, did he do that?”

They both wondered why she even asked. Why would John lie to get himself in trouble?

“Yeah....” He felt bad. He knew John wouldn’t want him to lie, but he still felt like he should.

“Did he do anything else?”

“No.”

“Well, that was pretty easy... _John_...” she looked at him softly, despite him thinking she should probably be a bit angrier. She must not be the type. “Why did you do that?”

John didn’t want to say. He just looked at her. He did not want to say. He’d been avoiding it. He hoped he’d never have to say it again.

“Jesse do _you_ know why?”

Jesse looked at John. John nodded at him, he wanted Jesse to speak for him, he did that a lot.

“William called him gay... James made fun of him too because I tried to hold him back...”

John felt guilty. He wondered if Jesse was insecure about it. He wondered if Jesse would touch him ever again. He didn’t know what he’d do if Jesse never touched him. Not that he wanted Jesse to touch him but, he didn’t want him to avoid touching him either. Imagine. Never play hitting or putting his hand on his shoulder. Anything. He thought about how liked when Jesse touched him - _oh no_. No, he didn’t. He wasn’t gay.

Ms Murphy wasn’t entirely sure what Johns punishment would be, violence wasn’t tolerated, but he had his reasons, they weren't great reasons, but they were making fun of him. She wondered about asking the principal. 

“John, I’m going to have to call home.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“I’m not really sure what to do with you... I’ll have to ask Mr Dalton.”

Now John was scared.

* * *

She left the room for a bit, they both assumed to get the principal. They were right.

The principal sat in the chair that she had occupied before she left.

“Lacey, could you leave the room please.”

That was something he did. He only referred to people by their last names.

Jesse left and John watched him go. He was afraid of Mr Dalton. He didn’t want to be alone.

“So John.”

John was shocked. He was very familiar with Mr Dalton only saying last names. 

“Listen, I have to punish you somehow, violence is wrong.”

John knew ‘violence was wrong’, he was confused as to where he was going with this. 

“But I understand why you did what you did....”

There it was. Mr Dalton was most likely incredibly homophobic. John didn’t think of himself as particularly homophobic. He wouldn’t bully gay people, he just didn’t want to be gay himself. 

“I think a call home will suffice, your parents will deal with it.” 

John was thankful. He could’ve been suspended. He wouldn’t mind getting detention but, at least he had nothing on record for this. 

Mr Dalton called Jesse back in, assuming that Ms Murphy must want them both there for something. He left. 

She wasn’t back yet. 

“Where is she?” John asked Jesse

“She’s talking to the others.”

“Oh.”

There was a moment of silence. 

“I’ve never seen you like that.”

“It’s usually at home.”

“I get that. I get pissed easy.”

“I don’t...”

“Then why did you? Why now?”

John didn’t know what answer Jesse was looking for. He knew why. James and Williamcalled him gay.

“You know why.”

“No, I know your reason but... why did it make you so mad..?”

Jesse really was wondering. John was pretty composed. This had to be personal.

“I don’t know man.... maybe it’s the religion thing.”

Jesse didn’t press it any further. That made sense, he supposed.

He was just wondering how John's parents would react. 


	2. And I'm going straight to hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is painfully awkward, but I wrote the fifth chapter as a one shot and it referenced this event, so I had to write it.
> 
> Chapter title lyric from: The Tension and the Terror - Straylight Run

John's dad collected him from school.

When he got into the car there was dead silence. Michelle was sitting next to him (though a middle seat apart) listening to music, probably to avoid the tension that was so clearly there.

John didn’t sit in the front because sitting right next to his father in silence wasn’t how he wanted to spend his time before he got grounded for life.

They drove the entire way like that. Not saying a word. He wondered if it was just the silent treatment, that maybe, for weeks, no member of his family would talk to him. That wouldn’t bother him, he didn’t talk that much anyway.

When he got in the door his mother was standing at the end of the hallway in the kitchen door. His father stepped in behind him. Oh. He was trapped.

“John.” His mother was angry. She usually wasn’t the angrier one of the two - he was scared of that.

“Can I at least go into the kitchen..?”

He felt threatened. He didn’t like them standing there like that. He felt like he was going to get beat up himself.

“Yeah mom I need to go to my room and you’re all in the way” Michelle was surprisingly nonchalant about the whole thing. John expected her to be laughing at him. He made a mental note to thank her later.

“Fine.” His mother stepped aside to let him pass. She followed him in with his father right behind.

“Sit.” John wasn’t going to argue.

His father spoke now.

“We didn’t raise you to be like this.”

“I kno-“

“Don’t talk back.”

John hated when people said that. He was just responding. That’s how conversation works. This is why he hates talking to his family.

“Why’d you do it?”

John didn’t know if he was supposed to respond or not, didn’t he just say not to talk?

“Well??”

He wanted him to talk now. Right.

“James and William were making fun of me.”

“Couldn’t you have just talked it out? peacefully?”

For a sentence with such a nice meaning, he sure did sound pissed about it.

“I don’t know what came over me dad I-“

“What did they say to you?”

“Uh...” John didn’t know how to bring it up. Would he agree as the principal did or would he do what he assumed his friends would do, think he was gay and just didn’t want to be outed.

“Well?”

“They, well, James said he thought I was gay..” he wasn’t going to bring up what William said about Jesse. He didn’t want his dad think he was gay and banning him from talking to his best friend, possibly only friend now.

“That was it? He called you gay and you hit two of your friends?”

“Yeah, I... I don’t know.”

“Why did that make you so angry.”

“It’s a sin...” same religious excuse he used with Jesse. It wasn’t an excuse. No. That was the reason. There were no doubts in his mind about this. That was his reason.

His dad sat beside him.

“So is violence, John.”

“I know. I know. It was a mistake.”

“So you’re going to confession on Sunday?”

John tended not to wait for confession. It made him uncomfortable, sitting next to an old guy and telling him everything you’ve ever done wrong.

“Of course.” He gave his dad a small smile. He was hoping his punishment wasn’t going to be that bad.

“Now, since you know what you did was wrong, I’ll lay off for once. All I’m asking is you go to confession more often, okay? You need it.”

John took offence. He only did one thing. You only did one bad thing. He thought about how his father did confession every week. How many sins can you even commit in a week?

“I will.” John meant it. He needed to be in the good books again. He probably would go every week for the year.

“Now go to your room. Michelle will think she can get away with anything if she knows you’re not grounded.” John laughed a little. They were on good terms. Good.

He stopped at her door before he went to his own room.

“Thanks for letting me get to the kitchen.”

She didn’t say anything in response. He didn’t mind. Siblings are just sort of like that.

* * *

He still had school the next day. He was not looking forward to it. His black eye was still developing, he wondered if he would see any bruises on William. He’d feel guilty if there were, but he’d be a little insecure about his strength if there weren’t.

Music with Jesse first class. He was begging for him not to bring up what happened yesterday.

Jesse was a few minutes later than usual. Not late, he just usually came pretty early to music. John started panicking. Did he not want to come in? If he did come in would he sit with someone else? Jesse bringing up the day before was now the least of issues.

But Jesse did show up, two minutes early to class. He sat next to John as usual.

“Your eye looks bad.”

“Thanks” John laughed, what an opening line.

“How’d your parents take it? You grounded? Aw, can you not come over tomorrow?”

They hung out almost every Saturday together.

“They were cool actually. I just have to go to confession more, we’re still on for Saturday.”

Jesse gave John the biggest smile John had ever seen on him. He really was happy, he liked hanging out with John as often as possible. Plus he had plans for what they were going to do tomorrow.

“Good.” Jesse patted John on the shoulder. John was relieved. They were still cool with touching. He was afraid their friends had made it weird, implying that their friendship was gay somehow. They weren’t even that close. They could be closer.

The rest of the day went fine for both of them. Break time was, tough, compared to the rest of the day.

“Hey uh, will”

John trailed behind him before they got to sit down. He didn’t want to do this in front of everyone.

“Yeah?” He sounded a little pissed. He knew it was John, at least he turned around.

John noticed he did look hurt worse than William. The bastard. One hit from him was worse than four from John. He was starting to think maybe he should lift weights.

“Sorry. for punching you”

“Sorry for punching you back, why do you look worse?”

“I’m weak as fuck.”

“I would’ve made fun of you for that but I’m glad. Doesn’t hurt at all.”

“Good. I don’t want it to.”

“So we’re cool? You’re not gonna try to kill me again?”

“As long as you don’t say any stupid shit ever again.”

“Can’t guarantee that.”

They were on good terms now. James showed up late for food so he didn’t get the chance to apologize to him yet. He didn’t really want to though. A slap in the face for saying he probably wanted Jesse's hands on him was well deserved. Maybe he wouldn’t apologize.

When John got into the car after school he needed to make sure of something.

“Hey, dad can I still go to Jesses tomorrow?”

“Should you?”

“I said sorry to William today...”

“Yeah, you can go.”

It seemed like a good moral deal to him. Say sorry and you have fun. He needed a good Saturday after this week.

* * *

Saturday came around and it was Johns turn to go to Jesses. They usually rotated but sometimes decided on a whim where they’d go. It didn’t matter much.

Jesse had his own room now. His older sister moved out and he took her room. It was nice.

“What we doing today?” John didn’t feel any need to say hi. They were too close for that. This was basically his house.

“Dunno.” It was the same answer all the time. Jesse didn’t plan anything. Except for today, but he planned to bring that up later. It wasn’t an opening conversation.

They got snacks from the kitchen before going upstairs.

“Man I can’t believe your parents let you eat in bed.”

“They don’t, I just put the stuff in the bin downstairs.”

Of course. Jesse was slick.

“I feel like a saint compared to you.”

“Hey, I'm not the one who punched someone.”

John knew it would come up again. He hated it but he couldn’t blame him. Fights are always the talk of the school for days.

“Hey I said sorry”

“Not to James”

“Yeah well, he deserved it.”

Jesse laughed. He did in his opinion, what he said was weird. Although, he wouldn’t mind having his hands on John if he’d let it happen. He didn’t think John would let it happen though, not after what happened.

“You’re right. But he was right about one thing. It’s weird you never watched porn.”

“I was serious about the kitchen thing.”

“I know. That’s why I’m gonna take up James’ order.”

Oh god. John knew what that meant.

“Oh come on that's so weird. You’re really just gonna look up porn on your computer in front of me?”

“It’s not weird unless we jerk off.”

John didn’t know what porn was like. His mother said something about it ‘not being realistic’ and something to do with the devil.

“Fine”. He didn’t know what compelled him to agree. Intrigue? his friend looking at him with puppy dog eyes? Didn’t matter. He was already sitting in the chair Jesse pulled up to the computer next to his own chair.

John didn’t want to point out how weird the situation seemed. It was one of those things. Like when someone says ‘this is awkward’ when the room goes silent and it makes it even more awkward. So he just went along with it.

Jesse looked up something. John wasn’t really looking.

“I really don’t know what to show you, man. You can’t be into anything weird yet though.”

John was absolutely terrified of what he meant by ‘yet’

Jesse was weirdly excited by all this. It seemed humorous in a very strange way to him. Showing his slightly older friend porn for the first time. He was also extremely interested in what his reaction was. Other than punching someone in the face, he’d never seen John react very much.

He turned on the first thing he saw really. There was no need for something he was into specifically. He didn’t want to be horny right now. He just wanted to see how horny looked on his friend.

It was shocking as soon as John saw it. It was graphic. The noises were loud and grating almost. He settled into it eventually. Even got into it. It didn’t matter where he was looking. If he was looking at the guy it just meant he was imagining himself in that position with the woman. That’s all it meant.

Jesse watched Johns expression turn from disgust to interest to a face he’d never seen on him. He knew what it must be. Something about that started to turn Jesse on properly, he pictured his friend hot and sweaty and- no, he was horny because of the porn so clearly playing on the screen. That was it. John didn’t look at Jesse at all. He was trying to act like he wasn’t getting an erection right this second.

“So?”

“So. Uhm. What” John didn’t sound nervous. He sounded like something else. Jesse wanted to hear more of it.

Jesse looked down towards Johns pants.

“Y'know you should probably do something about that” he gestured downwards.

Well since Jesse looked at his, he could look back.

“Says you.”

“I guess we both have to do something about that.”

Jesse just unbuttoned his pants. John was shocked. Just right here? In front of him? He wondered what it looked like...

“What the fuck Jess-“

“I’m not stopping you from doing it yourself. The videos playing here so I’m not moving.”

They were both way too focused on this situation to think about how weird it was, but John repeated Jesses actions.

John kept his eyes on the computer. He didn’t dare look at Jesse. He already got accused of being gay this week. He didn’t need to give anyone any proof.

The same didn’t go in return, Jesse would love to claim that he was watching the video like John was. But he wasn’t, he was watching John. The more difficult his breathing sounded, the more he reacted. The better Jesse felt. He sort of wished he’d moan or something, it would be weird of course. No one moans when they masturbate. But Jesse would take whatever visual or auditory cue that his friend was enjoying himself. It made sense to Jesse. It was sexual of sorts. He could hear the video. Of course, he liked this. Those were great reasons.

Towards the end John let out sort of a whimper that sent Jesse straight over the edge, himself only letting out some sort of ‘ah-‘, John coming all over his own hand immediately after.

The post-nut syndrome hit them both like a truck afterwards. It was really weird to do what they both just did. They weren’t exactly sure how to fix the situation.

“I’m gonna uh, I’m gonna go to the bathroom..” John sounded more scared than anything, as he said it. Jesse's heart hurt for him, he made him uncomfortable. Maybe his heart hurt for himself.

When John returned from the bathroom with his pants back on, Jesse looked the same way. Like nothing happened. His computer was off.

“Hey, am I staying here tonight?” John tried to act as normal as possible.

“If you want to. Pillows are still in the press if you need ‘em.”

John slept on the floor at Jesse’s. Jesse slept on the floor at Johns. They both had single beds, what else would they do.

“Cool.”

It was painfully awkward in the room. John was hoping Jesse would cut the tension somehow.

“Y’know we should probably watch a  normal movie”

At least he was acknowledging what happened. Jesse was convinced John was going to put this memory very far back in his brain. He couldn’t blame him.

John found it funny really, that Jesse brought it up. That’s usually what he did. If something was weird, instead of ignoring it, he’d make it as less weird as possible.

“Hm? Like what?”

“I don’t know I feel like we’ve watched every DVD I have.”

“Do you have anything else to do here?”

“Well usually I just jerk off but we got that out of the way.”

John almost choked. He really was going for the make it not weird angle.

“Dude” he was laughing. He couldn’t stop laughing. Jesse was proud, they were finally having fun. Well not that it wasn’t fun before but...

Jesse couldn’t help but laugh too - it was contagious. He watched John laugh. He looked nice like that. Happy. Smiling.

“I’m sorry I-“ Jesse didn’t know what to say through laughing.

“It’s just so weird man. Why did we do that?”

they were each gasping for air to speak through hysterics.

“I don’t know.... hormones?”

There was no good reason for what happened. They both came to the conclusion that it just did. It just happened, and it was fine.

They watched a movie they’d seen at least three times.

“You need to buy more DVDs, Jess.”

“You need to start bringing some over.”

“We’ve seen all them too.”

“Then you need to buy more DVDs.”

“Can’t argue with that. Your couch is so uncomfortable.”

“Lie down.”

“There’s nowhere to fuckin lie down”

“Lie on me.”

So he did. He lay his head on Jesse's lap for the rest of the movie, and it was nice. He felt slightly nervous, but it was comforting. He almost fell asleep. 


	3. I’m better off home on a Saturday Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha, song reference as the title. This is actually my favourite chapter in this section of the book(?) but yeah uh tell me if you want me to add chapter summaries cause a lot happens in some chapters.
> 
> chapter title quote from: Last chance to lose your keys - Brand New

The Sunday’s came and went, and John went to confession every single time. At first, he spoke about what he did. The violence, the anger... but gradually he found it to be his chance of opening up.

“I think about things I shouldn’t, lustful things...”

He imagined it sounded stupid. But what was the priest going to do? Rat on him? He couldn’t do that, because of the oath and all that.

It made him feel better at least. He didn’t say truly what he was thinking about. He wouldn’t admit it. Whenever thoughts crossed his mind he tried to push them out. He tried to never remember that one Saturday at Jesse’s, how he felt. He would never think about what he felt.

John turned 16 in February - on the 24th to be specific

They weren’t exactly sure what to do for his birthday. It was a Tuesday, the 15th. John was always late to lunch on a Tuesday, whatever class he had then always dragged on. One of those ‘the bell does dismiss you, I do’ sort of classes.

Jesse started to discuss it with the rest. “What do you think he’s gonna do?”

“Nothing. His parents will probably give him a cake with Jesus on it.”

They all laughed. It was funny. They all had religious parents (well with the exception of James. His parents called themselves Catholic but did very not-Catholic things very often) but Johns were worse than the rest - there was an actual chance that they would do that.

“Cmon we gotta do something. This part of the year sucks we need some fun.” Jesse more wanted John to have fun since he was becoming more reserved than ever, but he wouldn’t deny having fun himself.

“What are we gonna do? Throw him a surprise party?” William threw in and laughed. Dickhead.

“No, he’s got a point. We could do something fun, your parents out soon anytime James?” Owen knew James the longest. They took weekend trips very often, only God knows what they did on them, but it might be helpful this one time.

“Yeah actually, not this weekend, next. Who has the most realistic fake?” The plans were coming together.

They all had fake ID’s, just in case. None of them ever used them that much, but everyone had them. They were pretty realistic, but the issue was they were still all around 15/16 years old. It was hard to get away with looking 21.

It was John who looked the oldest, despite slightly later puberty and not particularly gifted in the height department, he looked about 20. The second oldest looking was David.

“Guess it’s me again. I swear people must think I have a drinking problem.” Lunch was fun for them, Jesse liked their group of friends. Probably a lot more than John did - but he’d be forced to have fun anyway.

They were all gonna give John another thing to say in confession.

* * *

The next week rolled around. Thursday, the 24th.

John didn’t know what he expected anyone to do on his birthday. He assumed either they didn’t know it was his birthday or they were going to egg him or something.

He didn’t have a class with any of them for the first block of the day. It wasn’t until break he saw them.

“Happy birthday dude.” It was David first. Nice. John wasn’t sure if his friends decided to be nice today or if this was the calm before the storm. David walked with him to their table.

“So John.. got any plans for your birthday?” It was James who asked. It didn’t matter if John did, they were going to drag him out anyway.

“Uh. Not today anyway. I’m probably just gonna go home and go asleep.” It was a Thursday. What else would he do?

“What about Saturday. You free?” It was Jesse who asked.

“I’m always free Saturday.” He smiled at Jesse. It was true, he never picked up anything that would interfere with his Saturday, that was the day they hung out.

“Good so, you’re coming to mine on Saturday. We all are.” James prompted him. It really wasn’t a choice.

John just sort of looked around. He didn’t know what they were planning and he was threatened. He wondered if he was gonna be dead by the end of Saturday night.

“You can just say you’re going to mine.” Jesse piped up. John was thankful - his parents would never let him go to James’ place.

The rest of them were very excited.

* * *

After scrambling together whatever money they all had and (surprisingly) getting away with buying everything they bought. They set up at James’

“Hey, James how many people did you invite?” Owen was slightly worried. James _loved_ parties.

“Only like, our entire year. But most of them don’t like us so who knows who will actually show up.”

James had a point. It’s not that people didn’t like them, they were just sort of rowdy and not particularly popular.

“It's bring your own drink too so there’s less incentive.”

* * *

John had to walk up to James’ from Jesses. His dad dropped him off at Jesse’s obviously expecting him to be staying there. It was good though because Jesse lived closer to James than he did.

He knocked on the door. It was about 3 pm. The party hadn’t started yet. The group were the only ones there.

Owen answered.

“Afternoon John, nice of you to come.” He said it weirdly loudly as if it was an announcement.

“Come in...” William wiggled his eyebrows from behind him.

John ambled in behind them as they led him to the kitchen. On the counter was more alcohol John had ever seen in his life.

“We’re having a party, sort of for your birthday except James invited a bunch of people you probably don’t like.” Jesse announced to break the silence.

“Okay, you guys are cool.” No one was sure how John would react but they weren’t expecting him to be happy, he even seemed  excited. Jesse had seen John excited before, but the rest of them hadn’t. Never.

They spent the next few hours setting up properly, locking all the doors they needed to lock.

When there was nothing left to do James gave them a suggestion. 

“Should we just start drinking?” There was a series of agreements and they started with beer.

“I don’t get why we all drink this, it doesn’t get you drunk and it tastes like piss.” John had a point Jesse thought. It was just sort of a thing dudes did. It was always beer.

“What do you want vodka?” William laughed at him. He couldn’t imagine John actually drunk.

“Maybe when people show up.”

* * *

People started showing up around 7. Early party. Jesse was right, there was a good few people John didn’t even like. He didn’t care much though he was too busy drinking with his friends.

They were having fun.

James stood on his couch to address the rest of them who were sitting on the couch.

“You know one of us could get laid.”

They all just laughed. They probably couldn’t.

“No seriously. There’s six of us yeah. One of us has to get some. If we all try it’ll be one of us.” James must be drunk John thought because he was absolutely delusional.

“Who are you betting on Jamesy.” William stood up to sling his arm around James.

“Now I feel like David has that quiet thing about him. Chicks like that don’t they?”

David attempted to get eaten by the couch.

“Plus they like dudes who look old. Hey, maybe John has a chance.”

They kept laughing. John was so afraid that one of them would bring up how he’s never tried to date anyone, he’s never had a crush.

Then James said it. “Nah he’d rather have a chance with Jesse.” He was about to laugh again before Jesse pulled him by the leg leaving him to land on his side on the floor.

“Do we really want to have that fight again?” Jesse felt protective of John, but he also wasn’t exactly the biggest fan of James’ insinuation that John has a crush on him. It just wasn’t true.

“I’m gonna get us more drinks.” John stood up because he didn’t want to have that fight again. Plus drinks would bring peace.

While John was gone, James brought the getting laid thing up again. “Cmon can’t we all just try. We’ll all look gay if we only talk to each other all night.”

“Then John will be alone. He’s got absolutely no game.” Jesse was covering for him. He knew John didn’t like to flirt or anything like that. He wondered if he’d ever change.

“Fine. Whoever gets slapped by a girl first gets to hang out with John.” They made it a deal.

John came back and downed a shot of that vodka he mentioned earlier.

“Okay, John here’s the deal” it was Owen who decided to explain James’ awful plan. He felt he’d probably say the information a little bit nicer than the others. 

“James is making us all try not to look gay right. We know flirting isn’t really your thing so you can chill. The first one who gets slapped will talk to you for the rest of the night.”

John laughed. It was sad really, that he’d just have to spend the night by himself, but he found it funny that they all expected to get slapped. They even said ‘first’ like it would happen to most of them.

“Fine, I’m only okay with this because I didn’t have to pay for any drinks.”

“You’re a legend, John.” James informed him as he scrambled off the couch, mildly injured from his fall earlier.

* * *

Jesse was a shameless flirt. He didn’t even mind it now, he decided to be as forward as possible tonight. If he got slapped he got to spend the rest of the night with his best friend who was currently getting drunk to himself. He was almost trying to piss a girl off.

The girl he chose, however, was not the one to try it on. She was fully into it. Jesse was slightly too inebriated to remember to ask her name. Before he knew what was happening she was coaxing him upstairs.

This was Jesses first time doing something like this, it was only kissing before with other ones, but now this girls mouth was around his dick and he was glad he suggested doing something this weekend. He found the girl pretty attractive really, he thought it was sad that he never asked her name but it was a little too late now. He found his mind drifting sometimes, just like when he was alone. He thought about John being alone right now. He hoped he wasn’t but he probably was. He thought about John. He thought of John in the girl's place. It wasn’t weird to think about this Jesse thought, it wasn’t a gay thing. John just had a nice mouth.

John was thinking of him in return. Sitting down still. Going through the small bottle of vodka at an alarming speed thinking of Jesse upstairs with whoever that girl was. He wasn’t supposed to be alone tonight. Wasn’t this supposed to kind of be for his birthday? Tonight sort of sucked.

No one got slapped ultimately, but Jesse was first to return - mostly because he was genuinely successful so he got it out of the way. He plopped down next to John and put his head on his shoulder. He looked pretty happy.

“Having a good night, Jess?”

“Oh yeah. What about you?”

John put his glass down loudly.

“What do you think?” John wasn’t angry. He was just drunk and lonely.

“I think you drank too much.”

“Well, you all are slightly less bad with women than I expected.”

“Sorry about that. You could be happy for me though.”

“I am happy for you.” He wasn’t, but he didn’t want to be a dick.

“mmm. It’s a good thing you’re coming back to mine.”

“Why’s that?”

“You’d never get away with coming home like that.”

“Oh come on it’s not that bad.”

John felt like he wasn’t. He knew he had a lot to drink but he was speaking just fine. He could still see.

“You’re drunk enough to lie. You never lie.” Jesse leant close to his face to say it. He knew John wasn’t happy for him.

“Sorry, it’s just a shit night. I didn’t want to just be sitting here.”

“No, I’m sorry.” Jesse put his arms around him and pulled him into a sitting hug. He pressed his forehead against Johns's shoulder.

“What would make it better..” he continued.

“Passing out.” He chuckled to himself. He just wanted the night to end.

“How about we leave early huh. Go back to mine.”

“Sure, but I’m finishing this bottle first.” It was a small bottle of whiskey. He’d already finished the vodka. Jesse wondered how John wasn’t dead.

“I’m gonna have to carry you home.”

“You’re strong enough.” John gave him a lopsided smile, he really was drunk.

“It’s time to see if you can walk.” Jesse stood up and dragged John up by the arm.

“Walk to the door I want to see this.”

John listened to the order. He only realized how drunk he was now or maybe the last of the alcohol was finally hitting him, but either way, he couldn’t walk in a straight line. In fact, he could even walk the full way, as he lost balance but saved his fall by grabbing the doorway.

Jesse came up behind him.

“Do I actually have to carry you?”

“No, you just have to catch me.” John winked at him. Jesse almost believed it was an entirely different person he was talking to.

“Okay, we’re leaving” Jesse laughed at him. He’d be entertaining at home tonight.

They passed through the kitchen and met James. He was holding two drinks, ready to bring them to wherever he was going.

“Hey, where are you guys going?”

“Johns drunk as fuck I’m making sure he doesn’t die.”

“Thanks for proving we’re not gay tonight Jess, see ya.”Jesse didn’t really like when anyone called him Jess, except John. He liked it when John called him that. 

* * *

The walk home was... difficult. John was stumbling the entire way so Jesse followed behind him, grabbing him whenever she leaned slightly too far. Jesse thought it was like taking care of a toddler.

After the longest walk of both their lives, they got to the front door.

“Are..mm are your parents home?”

“My mom is.”

“Will she be awake?”

“Probably not.”

“Good. Good, or I’m gonna get in trouble arent I Jess?” John said, smiling like a toddler too. Jesse found it almost cute.

“Probably, so you should be quiet.”

John put his shaky hand near his mouth and made the shush gesture. He winked for the second time tonight.

Jesse just rolled his eyes and opened the door.

John fell on the stairs immediately.

“Sorry, I’m stupid... I”

“Okay come on.” Jesse, thankfully for the first time tonight, actually did have to lift John. He carried him up the stairs to his room. He was lighter than Jesse expected him to be, or maybe Jesse underestimated his own strengths, maybe it was both.

As they got in the doorway John spoke again.

“I don’t want to sleep on the floor.”

“Fine, I’ll sleep on the floor.” He was frustrated but he really did feel bad about leaving John alone all night to drink himself to this state.

John thought Jesse was mad at him. He probably just didn’t want to sleep on the floor.

“We can both fit.” John smiled his drunken smile again.

Jesse mulled it over. He supposed they could.

John tried to kick off his pants as he crawled into bed.

“You better wear pyjamas, John.”

“I don’t... fkn have any..” he was closing his eyes already.

“Fine. As long as you don’t take off your shirt.”

Jesse threw on pyjama bottoms but didn’t change his shirt. He usually slept shirtless but he wasn’t going to do that with John there.

He crawled in next to him.

“It’s a good thing my sister moved out yeah.”

He had his own room now. He probably wouldn’t have been able to explain to his little brother why he and his friend were sleeping pressed together in the bed.

John just gave a breathy laugh in response. He was tired.

“Night Jess, thanks for carrying me.” He smiled and leaned against Jesse's chest. Jesse wondered if he should’ve slept shirtless.

Jesse thought about how much he wanted his arms around John, he thought about how he wished John had taken his shirt off. How glad he was that John didn’t accept pyjamas.

He found it hard to sleep with his thoughts spinning. He was also glad John didn’t snore. 


	4. There’s Nothing Good about being 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 90s research was the bane of the first half of this fic. :) hope you’re enjoying. I know a lot of these chapters are boring but hey we’re getting there. Sorry for all the side characters too. Most of them will never show up again.

That night drunk in Jesse's bed marked the beginning of neither of them sleeping on the floor.

They spent the next year of high school only getting closer, spending the night at each other’s every Saturday (as long as John came home on time to go to church)

Things were good between them. 

Except for Saturday’s they couldn’t spend together. When Jesse was with someone else.

John was jealous of whatever girl Jesse was sort of seeing. They came and went but John was always jealous. He knew it was jealousy. He was jealous because they got to hang out with him when he didn’t. Who wants to spend every Saturday alone? He spent every other day alone. It always ruined his week. He wished that Jesse would see how much it upset him.

The truth was he did. Jesse knew John was never happy for him no matter who he was with. He didn’t get it. John never expressed any interest in anyone so why was he always so bitter? Why did he always seem jealous? 

Jesse didn’t feel like he ever had to make it up to him. He thought if John wanted to be a little bitch about it, he could live with it.

They rang each other often. It had been over a year since the party.

“Are you free Saturday?”

“Not this week”

“Not last week either, or the week before, or the week before, or- well. you get it.”

“Are you trying to start a fight with me, John?”

“No- no I-“

John hated conflict. Especially with Jesse. Jesse knew this. Jesse knew almost everything about him, and he absolutely knew how to use it.

“I’m just messing with you....”

He was met with silence in return.

“You don’t have to worry though. Saturday’s will be free soon.”

“Why’s that.”

“I don’t really like her that much...”

John's heart felt full.

“... She does give great head though.”

John's heart felt empty.  


He wondered how the girls felt. They must feel used. Jesse usually fell hard and then fell out just as fast.It must suck being used, but he found it hard to care, they ruined his Saturday. 

“It’s not a good reason to stay together.”

“Don’t you think I know that? That’s why I’m ending it.”

“Is she nice?”

“Nice but. Nothing like me. We probably couldn’t be even friends.” 

Jesse meant this. He wanted someone he could be friends with. He imagined the perfect girl to have a personality like John’s. Shy, honesty, extremely easy to mess with, but funny, even easier to have fun with. He just hadn’t met any of them yet. Not where they lived. 

“Well if she’s nice let her down easy.”

“I always do.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Fine. I will this time. Just for you. See you next Saturday.”

“Bye.”

John would be lying if Jesse’s words didn’t make his heart flutter a little. _Just for you._

* * *

That Saturday Jesse did break up with his girlfriend. She wasn’t torn or anything, truth be told she didn’t see them being friends either. They were too different. They liked the same music and absolutely nothing else. They were cool breaking it off. 

The next Saturday brought about the start of summer. The two best friends were genuinely excited about it. 

“You know you’re going to turn 17 soon then.”

“Not that soon. Plus. What the fuck is good about 17?”

“Dancing queen? Trust me from experience. There’s nothing good about being 17.” 

Jesse laughed at him. John was funny.

“It’s cool though. We’re going to spend all summer together. We can do cool things.”

“Like drink and.... yeah that’s the list of things you find cool.”

“Maybe, but I might get a job, I could get more DVD’s then.”

“Oh please. If you try and show me Reservoir Dogs one more time I’m going to kill you.”

“It’s a good movie.”

“Not good enough to watch it every Saturday for the next three months.”

“No, it’s definitely that good.”

They both knew it wasn’t, but Jesse really owned about 15 DVDs and most of them were incredibly bad. So it was the best movie he had.

“You know John, you have a job yeah, why don’t you buy DVDs”

“Hey man I only work weekdays after school. I save most of the money. Rest is for when I need it.”

“Yeah, and movies are a necessity.”

“Then we can go to the cinema like normal people.”

“But the popcorn is way cheaper at home.”

He had a point at least.

“Do you actually think we’re going to do more this summer?”

“Well, James has some plans.”

“So more drinking at his house.”

“And smoking if that helps.”

“It helps a little.”

John laughed at his own joke. Jesse liked seeing John smile, he thought that a lot.

* * *

James, of course, had a ‘start of summer' party. John had every second week off which was great because James decided to have the party on a Wednesday. Which everyone said was weird but it was the only time his parents weren’t home in the next few weeks so he was taking the opportunity.

“Okay, David. It’s your turn again.” James was prompting him into the liquor store.

“Fuck do you mean turn? It’s always me. John even looks the oldest.”

“Yeah, but if we got John to do it he’d probably apologize for lying to the cashier and start praying for forgiveness.”

It was very common to laugh at John for being religious. He didn’t mind. His family validated it, or the word is encouraged. Maybe the word is indoctrinated, but that didn’t matter right now.

“Fine, I’ll buy it.” David wandered around the store alone trying to remember whatever everyone said to get.

The cashier knew him, he didn’t even ID him anymore. He got away with it so easily.

It was a bit too much to carry so he took two trips. If he invited a friend in they’d be ID’d and only John looked old enough, and David was slightly afraid he might do exactly what James joked about.

* * *

The party Jesse thought, was fine. They’d had plenty of parties just like this. He knew a lot of people in school who looked forward to these. He liked drinking. He liked finding new girls to flirt with. Everything else was mediocre. He decided not to leave John alone tonight, maybe to make up for all the times he did leave John alone, which was the large majority of the time.

But John wasn’t really alone tonight. There was some girl talking to him. Jesse thought her name was Charlotte or something like that.

Charlotte had come up to John pretty early.

“Heard you like the smiths.”

“That’s more Jesse’s thing.”

“Apparently you steal everything from him.”

John was sort of creeped out by how much she knew about him and how little he knew about her. She was their age. He knew that. He’d seen her before. She had nice black hair. He didn’t know what her eye colour was, it was too dark to see.

“I don’t think so. I like my own music.”

“Do you make any music?”

“Sometimes I write stuff. Nothing more than that.”

The conversation was loud over the music. They were shouting at each other. 

“That’s sexy.” She laughed at her own words. She believed it. But it was funny to say it outright.

John blushed. He didn’t like flirting like this. He could probably be friends with Charlotte, but meeting at a party wasn’t his ideal way to meet a first girlfriend.

“Hey my friends alone, mind if I talk to you later?”

“Sure.”

He had no intention of talking to her later, but he would of all his friends left him alone.

He meant it though. Jesse was alone. Just sort of watching him. He sat down on the couch next to him.

“Dude. I know I say you have no game all the time but, what the fuck was that?”

“Cmon man.”

“I’m serious. What are you doing over here? Get back.”

“I don’t want to meet my first girlfriend at a party man.....”

Jesse didn’t like the idea of John with a girlfriend. He didn’t like picturing it. He was finally starting to get why John hated when Jesse was with someone.

“Let’s drink then. Night’s ours.”

John smiled at Jesse’s words. They didn’t hang out that much at parties. They always went home together, but at the party not so much.

That night they had a lot of fun.

“Jess you gotta stop drinking now.” John shouted, louder than he expected to.

“Why?”

“Because I’m not strong enough to lift you anywhere. Also, it’s 3 am.”

“You know we could go back to yours tonight.”

“Why’s that.”

“Your parents aren’t home tonight remember.”

“Yeah, but we always go to yours after shit like this.”

“Just this once?”

“Okay”

Jesse was mildly afraid one of these days his mother would be awake to hear him come home and she’d murder him, so he would take any chance to avoid doing that.

* * *

Neither of them had to carry the other. Both of them were more playing up their drunkenness for the sake of the party. They were more sweaty than anything else. They might not even wake up with hangovers. They laughed the whole way back to his place.

“Oh, man. You need a double bed.” Jesse laughed at him.

“mhm, why’s that?”

“We sleep so close together every night. It’s gonna be so hot tonight.”

It was true. They were both already sweating and being right next to each other’s individual 98°F body heat, it was going to get a lot worse.

“You can’t say shit you don’t have a double bed either.”

“Do you have pyjamas?”

John threw him some shorts and a clean t-shirt and put on the same sort of thing himself. They both clambered into the bed at the same time.

John felt comforted. This was how it was supposed to be. Just him and Jesse spending time together. He didn’t mind it even if he did think he was going to get heatstroke. He fell asleep with his heart (and everything else) feeling warm. 


	5. God is Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is blatant smut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heed the summary, it’s the longest chapter and the first one I wrote, I believe. I definitely didn’t know how to write smut back then and I still don’t so it’s not great but enjoy it regardless.
> 
> chapter title lyric from: Desert - Brand New

John woke up, tossing and turning trying to get back to sleep. He was extremely tired this morning. He picked up his phone to text his dad he’d probably be home around mid-day

John couldn’t get back to sleep though as tired as he was, all he did by moving around was wake Jesse up.

“Hey man...”

John turned around out of instinct. Though he realized when he turned around to hear Jesse, they were extremely close face to face.

“...you woke me up from all your moving”

He said it softly, it felt right. The moment felt intimate somehow.

They both seemed to become distinctly aware of how close they both were - looking at each other directly in the eye. It almost seemed like they were afraid to look down even slightly, just in case one accused the other of something. Jesse thought it was funny really, being this close. He probably would’ve started laughing but, John didn’t seem amused at all - he was just staring.

Jesse wondered if John was mad at him for something. He assumed it must be because of the heat last night. Though he didn’t think John would be mad about that. It didn’t take either of them particularly long to go to sleep.

But John wasn’t thinking about how Jesse was feeling right now, like Jesse was for him. All John could think about was Jesse's breath on him. He didn’t know why he kept thinking about it. How close they were. How he wanted to be closer. All thoughts he felt he shouldn’t have at about 9 am in the morning. But he wanted it.

Every thought John had ever pushed away led up to this seemingly random moment in bed with his best friend.

But John had only become worse at controlling his feelings over time.

He decided not to control them.

John leant forward in the bed, slightly climbing up against the sheets, And he kissed Jesse.

John didn’t know why he did it. Why he kissed him. They’d done stupid shit before. Watched porn together, jerked off right beside each other. But this was different. This wasn’t boys being boys this was a full, romantic kiss. John kissed Jesse like he loved him. And being best friends, he did.

Jesse kissed him back. At first, John was happy. He didn’t get rejected or pushed or beat up in his own house for ‘making a move’ on him or something along those lines. But he realized he couldn’t pass this off as a joke now. This was a kiss. Jesse turned over to get on top of him. Kissed him fully, passionately. And John did the worst thing he could think of. He opened his mouth. Jesse immediately took advantage of that. And they were making out. And they were happy, but John had to ruin it. He pushed Jesse at full force off him.

Jesse seemed fully offended. “What the fuck, John”

“I’m. I’m not gay.”

“Yeah I’m not gay, either”

“you’re clearly gay!”

“How the fuck can you say that? you kissed me?”

“Yeah it was- it was a joke”

“A joke? You kissed me like that as a joke?”

“yeah I- I was just. Fuck you.”

“Fuck me? Fuck you. How the fuck are you pissed off?!”

“Because you-“

“Because I what? Kissed you back? YOU KISSED ME.”

“I didn’t mean to.”

“You didn’t fucking mean to? What the fuck is that supposed to mean. Admit it, you wanted to do that and you liked it. You can’t lie to me I was THERE. Face it, you’re gay, just get the fuck over it.”

“I-I’m not. I’m. I’m not- I’m-“

Jesse realized his mistake just a bit too late. 

John broke down crying. Hysterically, gasping for air. He seemed to try to talk but he clearly didn’t know what he was even trying to say. Jesse wasn’t entirely sure what to do here, he didn’t think that being gay was a bad thing. He definitely shouldn’t have used the words he used. He wasn’t gay. At least he didn’t think so. He did like girls. He liked kissing John though, which is why he was so mad at John being so defensive. Maybe Jesse started to wonder if he was just a bad kisser and Johns hysterics were just to cover up rejection. But that was him being irrational. John was just Catholic and afraid.

Jesse noticed Johns panic die down. He wanted to fix his harsh words.

He spoke softly, trying not to say anything to trigger John to panic again.

“Is this why you punched William.”

“I didn’t know then. I didn’t. I don’t know.”

“Maybe you did know, you just couldn’t admit it.”

“My parents Jesse.”

“I know.”

“It doesn’t mean anything.”

“I got that.”

“I, I don’t want to. I don’t want to kiss guys.”

“But you did-“

“Yeah. I wanted to kiss you.”

Jesse froze. Now his brain was spinning. Jesse probably did like men actually. He thought about it of course. Crossed his mind. He was a pretty chilled out person though and never really did a lot of soul-searching. There were those moments in bed where he thought about John, doing things he probably shouldn’t have while thinking of John. There were even those moments when they were close in bed, and all Jesse wanted to do was to touch him. But he didn’t. Because John wasn’t gay, at least Jesse didn’t think so, and so he keeps saying, but now both of them recognize that as denial. 

“I would’ve kissed you first, if I thought you wanted that. You can’t tell.... you know... that you’d want to do that”

John felt a wave of relief wash over him. His father wouldn’t be able to tell. His family couldn’t tell, his peers couldn’t tell. Not if Jesse couldn’t, Jesse was his best friend. His closest friend. His closest person. If someone could tell, it would have been him. 

But then he started thinking about what Jesse just said in full. He would’ve kissed him first. Jesse wanted to kiss him before. Did he figure it out first? Why wasn’t he panicking? Why did he get to be so calm about everything while John is left a mess? 

“Are you going to speak to me?”

John looked up from his ball he curled himself into at the back of his bed and looked right into Jesses eyes. He didn’t expect to see the hurt all over jesses face. He hurt him. He didn’t mean to, he was just terrified. He knew. He knew he liked Jesse for a very long time, but he had convinced himself so far that they were just best friends and best friends were like that. But best friends aren’t like that, aren’t like this. 

“I. yeah.” Was all John could get out. 

“What are you thinking”

“That I might be gay...” John laughed to himself. Not really out of humour, but more out of irony. 

“Well you did always try to copy me” 

They both laughed. John didn’t really think he did that, but he was happy for the confirmation that Jesse was like him. 

And continuing with the trend of the conversation so far, Jesse spoke first.

“Do you, want to try again. Without the push?” His tone was lighthearted but John could tell he was serious.

“Come here.”

Jesse was standing up from after he got pushed, he needed to, to yell the way he wanted. But John was still on the bed. Jesse sat down next to him as John shuffled over. 

They just looked at each other in the eyes. They weren’t really sure who was supposed to do that. John kissed him first last time. But Jesse pondered that John doesn’t seem the type to make first moves other than that. So Jesse went first. He leant in and kissed him. He put his hand on johns thigh as his legs were crossed over. John seemed reluctant, though willing, and Jesse knew he’d have to make most of the moves here. Though neither of them were entirely sure what they wanted here. So he kissed him harder. He attempted to move johns legs so that he was lying down again, he wasn’t successful but John caught on and did it himself. Jesse got on top of him as he did before with his legs apart over just below Johns middle. It was the best position but they were both acutely aware of how it was slightly sexual. But they kept kissing. John finally made a move and slid his hand up Jesse's t-shirt. Then his other hand. Jesses heart started beating faster. He didn’t know where this was going he just knew he wanted to touch John too. he removed his hands from the side of johns face and tugged at the bottom of Johns shirt. John sat up and Jesse pulled away. Though John was just taking his shirt off, Jesse was afraid that breaking this kiss would make John realize what he was doing and stop. John was afraid Jesse would stop too. Neither of them wanted to. As soon as his shirt was off Jesse leaned in to kiss again but before he could John started to pull on Jesse's shirt. He managed to get it off himself and then they kissed again. They still weren’t sure what they were doing shirtless. John was really just feeling Jesse up and they were both enjoying it too much for two boys who thought they were straight yesterday. 

They were both enjoying it, but Jesse needed clarity. 

“Is this going any further”

John knew what Jesse meant. And he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to answer. He felt like what he was doing was wrong. That’s what he was raised with. All those snide homophobic comments from his family about others added up in his head eventually. He felt like what he was doing now was okay. He was testing things. But going any further wasn’t okay to him, he didn’t like to use the word sin. But that’s what it was to him, but every other part of him wanted to go further. 

“It’s a sin” he muttered. 

Jesse tried his best not to laugh at this. I wasn’t exactly Johns first sin in his opinion. There’s a lot of sins he thought to himself. But due to the situation, he called back to that time they both masturbated in Jesse's room. He remembered being so aware of John in the room then. Kept thinking about it. Hindsight is 20/20. 

“Not your first one,” he said as lightheartedly as he could. 

“But my worst.” 

They weren’t kissing anymore. Jesse was just sitting on top of him. He sat back, to relax. And unintentionally sat right on Johns dick. John gasped loudly and blushed and Jesse realized why. Jesse couldn’t actually remember a time where he was quite as hard as John was right now (probably an exaggeration). Jesse didn’t want to push John into doing something he didn’t want to do. If it’s really going to plague him with Christian guilt he won’t do anything. But he’s at least going to make his points. 

He pressed his hands on John's chest to look him in the eye firmly and said “he’ll forgive you for anything remember.” and John thought over this. God really was supposed to be all-forgiving. So why wouldn’t he forgive this? 

“Yeah. It can go further. If you want” John sounded shy and scared. But Jesse knew why. 

They kissed again as Jesse lay down flat, one leg in between Johns, he started kissing down Johns neck, no hickeys, just gentle kisses. John thought about if he did the same to Jesse. Johns facial hair tended to grow a lot faster and he’d probably give him beard burn. He smiled to himself about this - and hoped Jesse would give him the chance to give him beard burn. 

His thoughts and smile were interrupted when Jesse pressed his thigh up against Johns crotch. And his breath hitched in his throat. He was glad he didn’t moan or anything because he would’ve been extremely embarrassed because really - this wasn’t touching at all. But he was really horny and he knew it because he had tried to get off to girls all this time but he never really liked girls. He knew Jesse probably liked both, but John didn’t. No, John liked Jesse, but if Jesse even crossed his mind when he was jerking off he tried to push it out, even if it’s what he really wanted to think about. 

He then stopped to wonder. Was Jesse even horny right now? He never really went to check. He tried to reach down to tug at his pants. Mostly to check. He grabbed the front of Jesse's pants and Jesse collapsed down. Moaning only slightly. It wasn’t embarrassing when Jesse did it, John thought, it was actually really hot. 

It seemed to make Jesse a bit desperate as he immediately tried to unbutton his pants. As he was kicking his pants off he thought about what they were even doing. What were they supposed to do? What could they do? They were both virgins even if Jesse didn’t act like it. He’d dated a few girls but they never had “real” sex, plus most girls don’t have dicks. Jesse weighed up the options in his head and in the end, just hoped John would make a move and it would go in a certain direction from there. 

“You’re so hot” John muttered, and Jesse was shocked. He really didn’t think he’d say anything, but he was happy he did. and flattered. He probably should’ve complimented him back, but instead just asked “how?” 

and even more shockingly, John answered. “your hands, on me. your chest, your... your thighs...... your......” John swallowed loudly. Jesse could see that johns eyes were locked directly on the front of his underwear. He looked like he was sweating somehow. John was extremely nervous. He was okay with complimenting Jesse. It was true. He wishes he could compliment him better but he was struggling; these weren’t things he was supposed to find hot. Dicks were ugly, why did he want to see Jesses? 

“Yeah?” Jesse tried his best to be seductive but he wasn’t very good at it. He wasn’t usually his best with words. Actions he was pretty good at. So he tried to take of Johns pants. And got them down to the ankle before John had to manage himself. And now they were stuck right back at the problem. What were they supposed to do exactly? Right now they were just two guys rock hard in their underwear. 

Jesse climbed back up and finally announced “you’re so hot too” and began to kiss Johns neck again. Returning the blow from earlier John asked “how?” amused. “Your face, your complete lack of abs, your back, your legs, your ass, everything” John almost choked at the word ass. Had Jesse been looking? before this? It wasn’t creepy to him. He was glad. Jesse moved his head to kiss John on the forehead. It was soft, but it was a ruse. As he immediately after grinding his dick right into Johns. It was awkward and uncomfortable but they didn’t really care. They were too horny and happy to be rutting against each other like animals. Because of how high his head was from the kiss, John finally took the opportunity to Kiss along jesses neck. But he got a bit rougher. The beard burn was definitely going to be an issue, but John was trying his best not to leave bruises. He’s not sure if he could explain it. Better Jesse than him though, he thought. Jesse at least tried to be a ladies man so it was explainable. Everyone just thought John must have absolutely no game, he never had a girlfriend. He never did anything. He’d never be able to explain Hickeys. 

Caught up in what he was going, he barely registered that Jesse was trying to take off his underwear. John was at first scared of the whole sin thing from earlier. But then even worse he realized. Jesse is seeing way too much of him. John didn’t think of himself as incredibly insecure - and definitely not of his dick. But this was Jesse, he needed this. He didn’t know what he’d do if Jesse laughed at him or something, he imagined he’d just drop dead that second. 

But Jesse didn’t laugh, he smiled. More of a smirk really. John was afraid that it was going to be a laugh until Jesse looked at him. And he realized it was a completely different kind of smirk. And yeah it went straight to johns no-longer-on pants. 

Jesse wasn’t really entirely sure what he was going to do. He thought to himself. Either he’s going to use his hand or his mouth. And though he wasn’t that scared through all of this because of the adrenaline, he didn’t know what his mouth would be like. But he didn’t know until he tried. 

He kissed down Johns chest and mid-riff. And John was struggling not to moan at all. He didn’t know where the sudden urge to be vocal came from. When he was alone he wasn’t like this. But right now he couldn’t help the heavy breathing. He held off moaning so far, but his record broke as Jesse suddenly put his mouth around his dick. He moaned loudly and thanked God that his family wasn’t home for this, he’d get kicked out of the house or sent to conversion therapy. He felt a little bad about thanking God though. Then tried not to think about it. 

It wasn’t hard (haha) to stop thinking about as Jesse tried to go down as far as he could, unintentionally John bucked up and Jesse started choking. He came up coughing and John scrambled down to him. 

“Are you okay?” John's voice was raspy somehow as he spoke. He figured from lust or something or other. 

“Yeah, I’m.” Jesse was still coughing through it.

“You don’t have to do that again,” John said, smiling, of course, he wanted him to, John never felt anything like that in his life. But that really meant he had no expectations and honestly he thought he could probably get off from Jesse dry humping him for five minutes. 

“I want to,”Jesse started “but I’ll probably need to practice on a cucumber first” 

John laughed a little. He couldn’t tell if the image was funny or sexy to him. Of course, a cucumber is funny, just shoving it whole down your throat, but he also thought of Jesse practising just for him.. gagging... yeah. His mind was going places. 

John wasn’t really sure what to say now. But Jesse took up his usual actions speak louder than words shtick and crawled to the top of the bed with his head against the pillow. John crawled up to him and Jesse turned over. They were in sort of a spooning position with Jesse being the big spoon, except slightly more flat. Jesse pulled John flat against him and grabbed his dick. 

“Jesse what-“ John began, not really sure what he was going to say then, but it didn’t matter as it became exactly clear what Jesse was doing. 

Jesse pushed his hips right against Johns ass repeatedly with his hand moving the same way over Johns dick. John definitely couldn’t stop the noises he was making now. 

At first, he wondered how the hell Jesse could come doing what he’s doing now, but soon he really couldn’t think of anything. 

“Fuck Jesse, fuck fuck fuck”

“Swearing is a sin you know” Jesse joked, he wasn’t entirely sure how the joke would go down really but his thought process wasn’t exactly clear. 

“Fuck you, Jesse” John was gasping still 

“I’d rather it the other way around actually” 

Then John started to think about that. The whole top and bottom thing. Jesse basically announced he was a top and John went onto wonder what he was. He didn’t wonder for too long because all he had to think about was Jesse's dick rutting against his ass and how much he liked that. He supposed they were a perfect fit. 

“Yeah, I’d like that too.”

Jesse supposed he wouldn’t get anywhere with what he was doing. At least John would.

But Jesse was going to try anyway. He spat on his free hand he had wrapped around John's shoulders to hold him in place and put it on his dick and repositioned himself slightly downwards and continued. 

John could feel the wet against his ass and it only made him come closer. 

“mmm, Jesse I-“ he didn’t really know what he was saying. Thoughts clouded by intense feeling. Like the way you can’t think when your music is too loud. But instead of noise it’s an intense feeling pooling at the bottom of your stomach and it’s a feeling all too familiar to both of them and yet really the only way Jesse could describe it for both of them was: 

“So fucking good” 

“Yeah? mmm,” John felt like he was moaning just a bit too much for what was pretty much the equivalent of jerking off. But it wasn’t jerking off. This wasn’t his hand, this was Jesse's hand - and God did he think that was so much better. 

“Jesse, shit I’m close I’m” John was panting, which was weird for someone doing absolutely fucking nothing, but it was the feeling. 

“Just- shit hang on a little longer” Jesse didn’t really want to be stuck grinding against Johns ass after he came because the idea just seemed a little weird to him. He’d like it to be at the same time. But it didn’t work out. 

“Jesse, Jess I- I can’t-“ John near yelled cutting off his own sentence by coming all over Jesse's hand and on his own sheets - maybe they shouldn’t have been sideways. 

Jesse was still uncomfortable with the idea of what he was doing so after letting John fully come down from his orgasm, he turned so he was lying on his back and just jerked himself off. He was completely fine with this actually - because his best friend was still completely naked beside him experiencing the post-orgasm high of his life thus far. 

Though while he was doing this Jesse realized how absolutely not close he was. Extremely turned on - yes. John made absolutely sure of that by moaning so loud he’s surprised the neighbours didn’t show up with an exorcist. But him saying his name over and over certainly helped too. 

“I like when you say my name” Jesse muttered, sort of to himself but John was still next to him.

“I like saying it” he rolled over to face him and only then remembered the Jesse had not came and pretty rough guilt set in.

“I don’t think I’m as good with my hands,” John said only half-joking.

“I don’t mind, I’m fine with this”

“No. I’ll try. since you tried”

Jesse didn’t really know what he meant by this but he didn’t care either. He had his eyes shut tight until he felt John's hand pull his own away. He was concerned about this because he thought John was right. He probably wouldn’t be good at hand jobs. But of course, that’s not what John was doing and his thoughts got cut short by Johns warm mouth around the head of his dick. Jesse gasped and remembered what John had done to him earlier. _Do. Not. Buck. Up._

John must be a mind reader because he pressed Jesses hips down, stabilizing them. 

John wasn’t very good at it. But it was his first time. His teeth got in the way sometimes and really he was just sucking and moving his head up and down as best he could. He remembered about halfway through to use his hands for the part he couldn’t cover - he only knew this from porn and figured maybe he shouldn’t have learnt what to do from that. Hindsight is still 20/20.

Jesse knew this wasn’t that good. He had gotten blowjobs before - from girls. But he didn’t care. This was John. Jesse liked John. and he was so horny at this moment of time he thought he could probably come if John only used teeth.

“John.”

John wondered what Jesse expected him to say, with his mouth clearly occupied. So he just tried his best to hum as a response. 

Jesse thought it was the best feeling in the world.

“Fuck, shit, sorry I mm-“ John thought that he talked a bit too much during what was happening, and Jesse probably thought he was annoying, but he found himself hoping Jesse would talk more, stumbling over his sentences. Showing how good it was for him, not being able to talk properly. 

John hummed again. 

“Yeah. Yeah like that. Yeah f-mm”

Jesse tried to run his hands through John's hair. John was pretty inconsistent with how he wore his hair but right now it was quite short. Jesse thought it looked good on him but it was hard to grab so he sort of had to grab Johns whole head. 

“John I think-“

John hummed again

“fuck, yeah I’m gonna... I’m” 

Jesse felt bad about what he was going to do but he could really stop himself, moaning almost as loudly as John had earlier (albeit slightly more masculine) as he pushed Johns head almost fully down and came down his throat. 

John came up choking and sputtering. 

“I’m sorry”

“ih... ihs fie...n” 

God, Jesse felt bad. John couldn’t speak properly at all. He felt guilty actually, not bad - he felt really fucking good. He wished he could’ve felt through the aftershocks in John's mouth, but it was really his fault for what he did. Instead, he just touched himself through it.

John crawled up next to him, clearly breathing normally again.

“I need to clean my sheets”

“Yeah”

“So you have to get up”

“Yeah”

Jesse stood up. John sounded slightly bitter. He couldn’t tell if it was from accidentally choking him or John was feeling a little homophobic again.

“Put on clothes please.”

Yeah. Jesse figured it might just be the second. 

“My clothes are on your side, John.”

John tossed them back without even turning around. The tension started to get pretty thick. 

“I’m going to go to the bathroom.”

Jesse watched him go to the en-suite, with his clothes in hand. He wondered if he was going to shower. He guessed that was for the best and wondered if John would let him shower after. He had spit all over him and John had the same. 

Jesse heard a car pull up. He wasn’t going to check who it was with his pants half-up, so he assumed it was Johns parents and ran to bang on the bathroom door, repeatedly. 

“What the fuck do you want, Jesse” 

“I think your parents are home”. 

The bathroom door between them didn’t stop Jesse from picturing the fear on John's face right now. He could hear the tap running for about thirty seconds before John burst out of the room with only his pants on. He didn’t really get the chance to look at John as he immediately went to strip the sheets off his bed. They were on tight and he struggled to lift the mattress up. 

“Do you want help”

“Yeah”. John sounded defeated. 

When he went over to lift the mattress up with him he realized - John was crying. 

“It’s okay..”

“No, it’s not. You don’t get it. You don’t. You don’t.” 

Jesse was very afraid of Johns hysterics coming back from earlier, he wouldn’t be able to explain that to his parents. 

“Hey. Hey, we’ll talk about this later okay. right now we just need to put this in the wash, and you can go brush your teeth okay?”

“Okay.” John was incredibly thankful for Jesse. Mental turmoil aside, Jesse was not the problem here. He probably couldn’t ask for someone better. He was rational. He would probably come up with a story for all of this. And he did while John was brushing his teeth. 

When John left the bathroom (with his shirt on). Jesse wasn’t in the room. He also noticed the pillowcase and duvet cover was gone. He plundered down the steps, nervous and on edge. 

“Why is Jesse doing your washing for you” 

It was his mother’s voice. 

“No hello?”He was bluffing. He didn’t know how to improvise. And luckily for him, he didn’t Have to. 

“His room smells bad and I couldn’t deal with it. I figured it was his bed.” Jesse said, fake laughing through his sentences. 

“We are all thankful for you” his mother joked - but she sort of meant it. She liked Jesse, she thought he was the right type of friend for John. Of course, she wouldn’t think so if she knew what happened. But it was fine because she didn’t.

John rolled his eyes in some sort of play-along because it was really the best he could do. As his mother returned to the kitchen, John mouthed a small thank you to his friend. And he winked in return. 

John was starting to think this man is going to drive him crazy. 


	6. The Shower Scene

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha song reference title again. Also I have to keep going back and editing chapters repeatedly because ADHD brain doesn’t seem to pick up mistakes easily. And I miss stuff even on the fifth read. So sorry about that, if you ever reread all this though it might be slightly better written.

Jesse joked around with Johns family for a bit while John showered. And Jesse desperately hoped he didn’t smell too much like their son, but he wasn’t as paranoid as John was. 

John showered sitting down. He always felt that was reserved for really bad days. He didn’t feel like this was one of those days. But it wasn’t good either. He usually sat down when he was lonely, letting the hot water soothe him for half an hour. Usually with someone eventually banging on the door yelling at him to stop using all the hot water. 

He wondered if he was lonely right now. He wasn’t alone. But he felt like it. Alone in the world at least. He knew it was stupid, there’s people who have no one. He has his family, his friends in school, Jesse. But he was Gay. He knew this. There was no point in denying it now. Not after what happened. He thought of making himself get sick. He didn’t know why the thought of Jesse’s semen inside him made him feel so dirty. He wished Jesse didn’t do what he did, so he could’ve spat. He started to wonder if Jesse was the fruit in the garden of Eden, not just the fruit, but the snake too. Being the sin and tempting him to. Remembering Jesse’s convincing words. John thought maybe he was just easy to convince. Wondered if he was just weak to the devil and all that. But Jesse is not the devil. He’s the only one that makes him feel not alone. Because Jesse gets him, he’s not leaving him, he would never kick him out or send him to some fucking camp in the south somewhere. He wouldn’t make fun of him in school. Because he was the same; they were the same. John stood up in the shower. 

He tucked the towel around his waist and felt a little better about himself - now that he was clean. Literally, not metaphorically - not to him. He thought about going to confession again. He had gradually gone less, but now felt he had a reason to go again. He thought it over but decided he probably can’t say “I sucked my friends dick and came in his hand” in confession. Well he could. But he really didn’t want to.

* * *

  
Downstairs, Jesse was on edge. He wasn’t a nervous person. But he wasn’t afraid for himself right now, he was afraid for his friend. His friend who was in the shower, naked, oh god. He started to think he’s making it a problem for himself because thinking of John in that way while talking to his incredibly religious family was probably not the way to go in this conversation.

“So how’s your brother?”

“Uh... good?”

“Do you still share a room with him?”

“No.... I don’t share a room with him anymore - my sister moved out so I got my own.”

“That’s nice. People need some privacy sometimes I think.....” Her long pause made Jesse worry.

“John likes being alone usually. You’d think he’d want that all the time except he seems to like you.”

Jesse knew she meant as friends. She just meant that John is sort of a loner but they’re friends and that’s good for him but he couldn’t push it out of his brain that she might suspect what her son is really like. Mothers intuition and all that.

“Would it be cool if I had a shower when he’s out?”

“Oh Jesse you know you don’t have to ask.”

“Thanks”

“He’s probably out now actually.” She turned around to put the milk that Michelle left out back in the fridge. And Jesse took this opportunity to leave the room.

* * *

“Hi Jess”

“Hey”. Jesse was really just glad that John was being nice to him again. Shower must’ve done him good, he supposed.

“Do you want to shower?”

“Yeah”. Jesse watched as John moved around his room to get clean clothes. Although his eyes were more on his bare upper body.

“You should probably do that then..” John was smiling - he knew Jesse was watching him and was quite entertained by it.

“mhm...” Jesse moved closer to him, putting his hand on the shorter mans shoulder.

“Would’ve asked you to Join me if you weren’t just out” He wasn’t sure how this flirting would bode with John, he seemed a bit more upbeat but there’s no way he was cool with everything now.

John blushed but slid Jesses hand off of his shoulder and turned around, only to put his finger over his mouth as a sort of shush.

Jesse scoffed in his head because - talk about paranoia. He was speaking quiet. There’s no way anyone could hear. But he didn’t want to push any more buttons today.

“Where are the towels?”

John saw the opportunity to flirt as a response to this question but he was completely terrified. He contemplated saying there weren’t any and he should walk out dripping naked or doing what he actually did.

“Here”, he said as he handed Jesse the towel he was wearing just a second ago. Jesses eyes immediately darted downwards. as his jaw dropped.

“Flies, Jesse”. Jesse could not comprehend Johns sudden confidence, but knew it would be short lived. And he was right because very quickly he was shoving him towards the shower, turned around. And put on underwear. ‘Shame’ He thought to himself.

* * *

In the shower Jesse didn’t think about being lonely like John did. And he definitely didn’t sit down. Jesse never sat in the shower before. He never even thought of it. 

Jesse showered pretty fast really. He realized now he would smell like John. At least his shampoo anyway. He smiled at this, and for the first time today he got nervous in the way John did. Started thinking about it properly. Were they friends? They clearly liked each other a little more than that, but really, where could this go? Jesse wondered if he was even falling in love with John. He’d never been in love before so he didn’t know what it felt like. He told some girls he loved them - and he thought he did. But he was a bit dramatic like that. He knew it wasn’t love he was just passionate. He was afraid of being passionate with his best friend. He’d only get hurt from this. He knew this. But Jesse was Jesse and his final conclusion was:

_ ‘Hurt him first’ _

Not soon... but if there’s even a hint of any sort of break up that could happen in a not-relationship, he’d break John’s poor little heart. He might love the guy. But he loves himself a little bit more.

* * *

Jesse wrapped himself in Johns former towel as he left the shower. John was struggling to put clean bed clothes on his naked bed.

“Do you need help?” Deja vu.

“Yeah probably... get some clothes on first”

“Do you have any?”

“We’re not even the same size”

“Everyone owns clothes too big for them”

“Fine.” John dropped the sheet he was struggling to fit around the corner of his bed and shuffled through his wardrobe. He assumed a big t-shirt and some sweatpants would be normal but while shuffling he realized he doesn’t own even one pair of sweatpants. He found one of Jesses stupid smiths shirts and threw it at him.

“Hey this is mine”

“You must’ve left it here”

“I think I shower here too often.”

John continued to look for pants. He found a pair of jeans he always meant to give away because they were a bit too big for him but they weren’t that big so he kept them. 

Jesse put them on but they both soon realized - _yeah._ They weren’t that big. 

They fit him, they zipped up the whole way, however they fit him tightly. _Very tightly._ And John was back to thinking about the garden of eden again because he thought ‘yeah. that’s temptation alright.” 

John just stood with his mouth dry and seemingly shamelessly looking at Jesses crotch/ass area.

It took Jesse a little while to catch on but when he did he sort of smiled at himself, in disbelief thought ‘I can’t believe he ever thought he didn’t like men’ because, he really didn’t think he could meet someone as attracted to men as John clearly was. At least they were the same he supposed.

“I don’t have bigger pants”. John sounded uncomfortable... or nervous.. Jesse couldn’t really tell. Maybe he just felt guilty that he didn’t have bigger pants.

“Lucky you.” 

Jesse realized he was constantly flirty-joking with John. He wondered if he had been doing that for a long time or if it was just now.

John didn’t really respond. He was still staring. Until Michelle came in.

She looked like she was going to say something as she came in but was caught off guard by the two boys standing upright not doing anything

“What are you doing?”

“Nothing” John sounded too nervous for some who really wasn’t doing anything weird. But Jesse thought this might be a weird sister thing that he didn’t get. He wasn’t close with his own sister.

“Yeah I can see that. But why aren’t you doing anything.”

“I was giving Jesse clothes”

“Did you watch him dress?” She was joking, because they were standing right across from each other but she figured John probably just didn’t look.

“Wha- m- no I-“

The way John responded scared the shit out of Jesse. He was making it weird. It was just a joke.

“Wait did you actually?” Michelle found this quite funny really. Her mind didn’t go ‘My brother is Gay’ she just thought he was a bit weird.

“No” Jesse tried to swoop in and save John from the very deep hole he was digging for himself.

“Then why did he-“

“He’s just having a bad day. He’s been nervous like that the whole time.”

Jesse knew this was the worst excuse he could come up with, but truthfully if he came up with any better it would seem weird because he wasn’t John, he couldn’t decide what he was thinking for him. So he crossed his fingers behind his back that Michelle would believe him.

She looked.. confused. She didn’t really think what Jesse said made sense but she was in a moderately good mood today and didn’t feel the need to get mad at her brother for no reason like they usually did. 

“I hope you’re okay..” she left the room.

Jesse thought that John looked rather sad right now, he was afraid he was going to start crying for about the third time today. But he didn’t start crying. He hugged him instead.

Jesse hugged him back. He appreciated this moment. But not like John did.

John did want to cry. He didn’t know why he wanted to cry. He just felt so stupid, about everything. About the way he responded, about the way he always wanted to cry, about the way his only comfort was in Jesses arms. He felt stupid.

Jesse pulled him back and sat on the now clean bed propping Johns legs up beside him, and they just sat there. Hugging.

John put his face against the others neck and mumbled “is this gonna end...”

Jesse wasn’t really sure if he meant the hug, whatever pain he was feeling, or whatever the hell they had going on now. 

“is what going to end.”

“This.” 

This didn’t clear up much at all.

“Well I’ll have to leave, go home”

“Yeah I know I mean... yeah. yeah.”

Jesse knew from that that John clearly wanted him to stay over tonight but felt maybe it was for the best if they both cleared their heads away from each other. They heard a voice coming from downstairs.

“Jesse! I can drop you home now if you want!”

John got up off him to let him leave. They left a lot unspoken there. Usually John would at least walk him downstairs - sometimes he’d even go in the car, but he let Jesse walk out of his room with just a simple “bye.”

The car ride wasn’t as awkward as Jesse thought it would be. But the dread was starting to set in that his head would be turning for weeks now. Jesse didn’t like thinking that much. Thinking sucks. 


	7. Existentialism, on a regular night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I believe all the gay exploration was from a place of figuring out all that shit myself. So a lot of the ‘am I gay’ struggle is more of a self insert. You can probably tell.

They were separate now. Left to their own devices in their own rooms on their own homes. It was about 6 pm when Jesse’s dad came home.

“You’re back.”

“Yeah”

“How’s your friend?”

Jesse wondered if his dad actually knew Johns name. Maybe it was for the best that he didn’t. It’s easy to cover up feelings when no one even knows the other person.

“He’s good.. yeah...”

“Cool.”

He and his father weren’t particularly close. But most people aren’t close with their fathers, he thought.

Jesse decided to go up to his room. He enjoyed his time in the kitchen but he wanted to be alone right now - which was disturbed by his fathers return.

Jesse really only did just move into his sister's old room, it looked sort of empty. He didn’t have a lot of stuff, he couldn’t; since he shared a room before. There were a few CDs and a HiFi system. Most of the decoration was piles of his clothes on the floor. He thought maybe cleaning might clean his head so he shoved all the decorations in his wash basket, but he didn’t bring it downstairs. He still wanted to be alone.

He would’ve showered but he already had today and thought maybe that was a little weird. While he was thinking he remembered the uncomfortable jeans he was wearing and unbuttoned them. He didn’t need a belt for these because of how tight they were. He thought about washing them since they were Johns and he’d have to give them back. but he realized they still smelled like John. They obviously weren’t fully clean when John gave them to him, but he liked that. He liked that it smelled like John.

The dread set in again.

He wasn’t having the ‘oh god am I gay’ moment that John was having. Personally, Jesse thought that well he liked girls for a good while now and was attracted to guys now too apparently. He wasn’t the biggest labels man. Maybe he just wanted to go about his straight thing and maybe kiss John in private. And maybe kiss John on private places. But that was the issue.

It wasn’t that John was a guy - no. It was that John was John. His best friend, someone he cared about for a long time. Someone he was starting to realize he cared a bit too much about. Jesse felt he possesses the 'look out for number one' mentality. He never cared about breaking it off with girls because he never got hurt. He didn’t care too much if they did. But John had the power to hurt him if he wanted to. He most likely didn’t want to, but he could still do it. He probably would.

Jesse tried to make a mental list of all the ways he could hurt him. By some miracle of God, realizing that he’s not in fact attracted to men and then he bans Jesse from ever seeing him again. By being so afraid of “sin” that they stop talking. By his parents finding out and going with the conversion therapy option. He was noticing a trend. He thought maybe religion sucks. He believed in God which was the strange thing. Just not with all the rules. He chose to think that the New Testament was more important, it has nothing about being Gay there. He wasn’t even entirely sure if it says anything about being gay in the Bible. And even if it did. He has cut his hair before right? All sins are supposedly made equal. Religion sucks.

He thought that there’s something quite immoral about conversion therapy and kicking your 17-year-old son out of the house because he likes cock. Wouldn’t God hate people like that more than the cock-sucker. Literally.

He took off his shirt too and decided just to get into pyjamas. It was cold, even though it was the summer. Weather is strange in New York.

He put the shirt in his wardrobe since it didn’t smell bad and it was his, and got into bed. It was around 7 pm and he knew it was too early. But he didn’t really understand what he was supposed to do for the rest of the day. I guess he’d be thinking.

He thought about how he told John they’d talk about “it” later. But they didn’t. Jesse left before they spoke. He thought about calling him, but no, they’d see each other soon. They needed to be alone now.

* * *

John wasn’t sure he wanted to be left alone. After he heard Jesse leave he flopped down on his bed and really didn’t know what to do today. He didn’t want to go downstairs and watch TV because his family would talk to him and truthfully he didn’t feel like talking ever again. Even though they’d probably ask him how his day went he’s afraid he’d somehow blurt out the entire story of being handsy with the friend they think is 'so good for him’

Yeah, he’s so good. But definitely not the way his parents would want.

Michelle interrupted his thoughts by knocking. Well, it wasn’t really asking for an invitation because she still came in before he said anything.

“Are you good?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” he realized he probably didn’t look great. Lying down on his bed fully dressed in the afternoon doing nothing.

“What Jesse said”

His heart almost stopped. Of course, he was thinking about Jesse but he was hoping his family somehow didn’t know his name.

“What's wrong John?”

“Do you care that much?” he kind of laughed to himself. They were close enough for brother and sister, but not the ‘comfort each other’ kind. They weren’t friends. They just lived in the same house and liked some of the same things. They hated each other just as much as siblings usually do. Though John get they hit that point where they stop hating each other. There’s more of a mutual understanding when you’re older and not trying to beat each other up because someone got the last of the cereal which isn’t even that big of a deal but you need someone to take your emotions out on.. even if those emotions have nothing to do with them.

“A bit..” she gave him a half-smile and sat at the bottom of his bed

“Come on... we’re not that bad now” she looked towards him but not at him as she said it.

John thought the same. He could probably talk to her. But not about what was really troubling him.

“Just... lonely..” it was embarrassing to say, but be needed to say something at least close to troubling him or he wouldn’t get away with the lie.

“You shouldn’t have let him go home then”

“What”

“Jesse, if you’re lonely shouldn’t he be here?”

“I mean like... existentially..”

“Yeah that sounds more like you...but what do you mean.”

“Do you ever just feel like... people just don’t like you.”

“Not really... is this about a girl?”

“No.” John wondered if he should’ve said yes. Just to clarify that he was straight but he couldn’t base that lie off the truth. He didn’t think that Jesse didn’t like him. He felt like he’d be kicked out of the house if his family knew that he liked Jesse. He didn’t know where Michelle stood on everything. He wondered if he should ask her on her opinion of Gay marriage or something - but it would make things a little obvious, and he couldn’t take that risk.

“Then what is it.”

“Just. I just feel like I’m weird.” 

Michelle couldn’t help but agree. She thought John was a bit weird. She knew he had friends. He went out with them sometimes. Secretly getting a bit drunk. She never told on him. Because one day she’d get to do the same. But John was shy, strange, nervous. He seemed to always be struggling with something but he never really talked about it. Just tried to scribble lyrics In the notebook he had a lock on. He wasn’t writing lyrics today though. She didn’t know if that meant it’s not as bad as usual or if it’s worse.

“You’re a bit weird.”

John laughed at her response. It was funny, her agreeing. She didn’t know what he was really talking about but I guess he was weird.

“Yeah. And I feel like people will hate me for it.”

“I don’t hate you all the time.”

“You’d hate me for the things you don’t know” John was scared of what he just said. Did he say too much? His sister was sure what this could mean at all.

“You can talk to me”

“No, I can’t”

“Why not?”

“Not with this.. not- I can’t i”

He was shaken up again, she thought. Just like he had been in the room with Jesse when she accused him of watching him get dressed.

“Is it something with Jesse?”

John looked at her. He didn’t want to respond. But he supposed it wasn’t all Jesse. He’d be attracted to men even if Jesse wasn’t around.

“Sort of”

“Did you... I didn’t mean to scare you. With what I said.”

“What, I can’t remember” he wasn’t lying. Today was all blurred together for him.

“Did you actually watch him get dressed..?”

Her expression was soft, encouraging, John knew he was being stupid. He should’ve lied. He should’ve shouted at her and been as homophobic as he could’ve come up with but he was a bad liar.

“Yeah...... I did more than that” he kept saying shut up to himself in his head but he needed to talk. He needed to tell someone who wasn’t involved. He was lonely.

“What did you do....”

Now there were two issues. Not only would the answer get him kicked out, but also he didn’t want to talk about anything remotely sexual with his sister. The idea made him feel a bit sick really.

“You don’t want to know.” His eyes darted down. He really couldn’t look at whatever way she was reacting.

“No, I do.” Her intuition led her as far as the Jesse conclusion but she really could not imagine what John could’ve done.

“I kissed him.” He looked up. Her expression was still soft. Maybe she just thought he was a bit pathetic, lonely. Not Gay.. just taking whatever he could get.

“Is that it?” It wasn’t passive-aggressive. She genuinely just wanted to know.

“No. It wasn’t...” he couldn’t talk about this anymore. She could fill in the blanks herself. But hopefully, her thoughts wouldn’t go further than what actually happened.

“You’re Gay”

“Guess so.”

She thought about this for a while. She wanted to make fun of him, sibling instinct. But he looked so sad and scared. She wasn’t too religious either. She didn’t believe in all those religious rules. Though her best friend was a lesbian so she had to get through all her inherited prejudiced before, so it wasn’t hard to not hate her brother for this.

“I won’t tell them.” It’s what John needed to hear. That she wouldn’t tell their parents.

“They’d kill me”

“No they wouldn’t.”

“They’d kick me out”

She couldn’t disagree. There was really a good chance they could. She wondered if she should hug him. They never did that. It would be awkward. But once again, she was in a good mood today, so she did.

John felt it was comforting. Strange - he wasn’t used to ever talking to his sister this much, never mind being consoled by her. But he was grateful, he wasn’t as lonely, someone knew.

“I hate it” John wanted to talk a bit more. Figure out his feelings.

“Why”

“Nothing good comes from it.”

“But you said there was more. So he kissed you back?”

“He did”

“So are you.... a thing?” Michelle didn’t really know how to go about all this. Or how they’d even work.

“No, I... I don’t know we didn’t really talk about it....” he realized he was upset about that. Jesse said they’d talk about it but they never got the chance. He was honestly scared Jesse might never talk to him again.

John trusted Jesse. He really did. But they knew each other for a long time. John caught on to who Jesse was. Jesse looks out for number one above all else. He would easily throw John under the bus to protect himself. He didn’t blame him for it, he was just scared that one day he’d go into school and everyone would be laughing at him calling him a faggot, Jesse included.

“Well, you have him at least. That’s something good right?” He supposed it was. But the fear was still there.

“Yeah. yeah..” he gave her a small smile and she realized he probably wasn’t going to talk anymore.

“I’m going downstairs for a drink” he knew she was telling the truth.

“Please... don’t say anything.” She already said she wouldn’t but he wanted confirmation.

“I won’t.” She closed his door over leaving him to think again. He contemplated falling asleep this early - but decided to scribble in his notebook instead 


	8. Dreams suck, in a good way.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut warning, again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for dumping all the chapters, I can find 1-9 but I’m missing 10 and I’ll have to write that. So I’m just getting 1-9 out of the way.

Jesse woke up the next morning pretty peacefully. Friday. He usually hated Friday. It was a shit day on his timetable - but it was summer so it really meant nothing. All days were the same in summer, whether that’s a good or a bad thing.

He felt he probably could call John now since they both slept on whatever they were thinking. He got up and got breakfast first.

* * *

Meanwhile, John woke up in a completely different way. A way that made him wish he never even fell asleep in the first place

John had a sex dream about Jesse.

It wasn’t a wet dream, per se, because his alarm went off before it could get to that point so really it just seemed like morning wood.

But his head was spinning from his dream. It wasn’t the first time he had a dream like that about his friend. But before he brushed it off as just being one of those stupid dream things. There sure were a lot of signs... hindsight is 20/20.

He went to the hot press to get towels for his shower, he was hoping to avoid absolutely anyone this morning before he took care of himself. And luckily no one was roaming around at this time. Maybe they were in the kitchen. As long as they weren’t around him he was happy.

He put his towels on the closed toilet in the bathroom and started to shed his clothes before he heard his phone ring from his room.

He picked it up not really looking at the caller ID.

“Who’s this?”

“Jesse.”

“Oh.”

“Am I not in your contacts?”

“No you are I just. I was in a hurry.”

“To what?”

“Have a shower”

John was frustratingly aware of how much he liked Jesses voice. He liked it in a normal way, the way it’s comforting to hear. But with his morning problem being still an issue - he liked it in a completely different way.

“Could you hold off on your shower a bit? I want to talk.”

“No I don’t think I can.”

John wondered how bad it would be to jerk off while Jesse was unknowing on the phone. He knew he’d feel extremely bad if he did this.

“Why not?”

he hushed his voice “I need to jerk off.”

Jesse was stunned. Wow this man was hornier than he ever thought.

“Just do it on the phone.” Jesse was very not horny really. He planned to be, since mentally his to do list for today was ‘watch gay porn’ to see how he felt about it, but he didn’t expect it this early. Phone sex though... he liked the idea.

“Yeah. Okay.”

John thought this was an awful idea but he was at least going to do it right. For comfort reasons he’d want to be on his bed but he thought it might be easier to hear him talking to Jesse there, so he went into the bathroom and removed his towels from the toilet seat, pulled down his pants and sat down.

Jesse wasn’t really entirely sure what to say. He was lying down in bed, very not-turned-on and needed something to get him going. He shuffled his pants down a little anyway.

“I don’t know what to say.” John started. Thanks a lot John, Jesse thought to himself. What a real help.

“Why did you need to jerk off so bad.” This was sort of his equivalent of ‘what are you wearing’ right now because he knew John would be wearing something completely normal and probably not flattering.

“Oh my god.... I Uhm.” 

Jesses interest was piqued. John had a reason and he didn’t want to say.

“Cmon.. you can tell me.”

“I had a dream about you”

“Tell me about it”

“Uh...”

He could hear Johns awkward breathing through the phone - he clearly did need to masturbate. Jesse was sort of jealous, of John starting without him.

“You were pinning me down.. and you uh. You were behind me..”

Wow, Jesse thought, this man wanted it bad. He knew John clearly didn’t want to talk about it. He could imagine why. If he was struggling with ‘thoughts of sin’ and all that he probably also wouldn’t want to admit that he was dreaming about cock up his ass. Not that he wanted that anyway, but John clearly did. He could hear John panting through the phone.

“Say something, Jess”

“Like what”

“Anything I just. I want to hear your voice ah- please..”

Jesse was starting to get hard now. He started stroking his own dick and thought through what John had dreamed about. He thought about fucking him from behind. Oh god he’d like that - he realized the gay porn thing later will probably work out.

“I want to fuck you like that.”

That was all John needed to hear to pick up his pace.

“Yeah. Yeah... you wanna do that to me?” He knew what he was saying was fucked up in his head. He was sick of the constant back and forth in his mind of ‘this is the worst thing you can do you’re going to hell. you’re awful’ and ‘god this feels so good’. It was tiring. So for now he decided to ignore the first one whenever it piped up. Jesse was right - he could ask for forgiveness later.

“Fuck.. yeah.. I can picture it. My room. You should grow out your hair so I can pull it..”

John liked that Jesse said his room. Jesses parents were home less often than Johns were because of their jobs. His brother might be difficult to get out of the house but they could try.

“Yeah. I’ll do that.... for you”

Jesse liked that he said it was for him. He wished he could just enjoy the moment but he was thinking about how he has John absolutely wrapped around his finger. He loved John. He hoped he’d never have to use the power he so clearly had.

“You should be louder”. Jesse meant this, he knew it would be a bit showy, everyone is dead silent when they’re touching themselves. But if this was going to be shitty phone sex he’d at least want to hear his friend moan a bit.

“Mmm?”

“Yeah. Fuck.. like That.” Jesse thought he might as well play it up on his side too.

John was falling apart on the other end. He imagined it was Jesses hand instead of his own. It wasn’t hard to imagine now that it had happened already. He could picture it perfectly. Jesse pressed behind him. He suddenly pictured Jesse biting him. He was definitely into that.

“fuck, Jess I-“ he was speaking quiet. He knew that if anyone heard anything, Jesse’s name would be the hardest to explain.

“Yeah... yeah say my name. think about me... I drive you crazy don’t I.”

“mmm.. you do. you-“

“What do you want me to do to you” Jesse was being bold as usual. Though his fantasies tended to be. He wasn’t thinking about Johns hand. He was thinking about Johns ass and all the things he’d do to it.

“I don’t know what I want” it was true, but it sounded a bit more existential than he wanted it to sound. He just thought that anything he said might not be kinky enough for his friend.

“Fine... imagine you bent over the side of my bed... I’d fuck you so hard.. jerking you off with one hand and choking you with the other...”

“Oh god... Jesse I’m gonna...”

“Cause of what I said yeah..? fuck... come all over your hand and imagine it’s mine”

He didn’t need any further instruction. 

John was coming all over his hand before he could realize what was happening. Jesses confidence turned him on big time. It was earned too, that’s exactly why he reached his peak as fast as he did.

He moaned slightly though it... he didn’t feel any urge to be vocal except he knew Jesse wasn’t finished on the other end of the call.

“I love that...” he started. breath hitching repeatedly, clearly reaching his climax. 

“mm.. I love what I do to you. Ah-“ he came quietly. No need for show anymore. Even though he started late he came quite early - purely at the the way he knew how much control he had over his best friend.

they could hear each other breathing heavily, neither of them really knew how to end this call  ~~(and end this conversation).~~

“I need to shower now.”

“Yeah.”

“Bye.”

“Bye.”

They both hung up as fast as they could, with John reaching the button first and immediately stumbling into the shower.

He liked showers to clear his head but it couldn’t help him this time. He was in deep shit now. This was too much too fast for him. He wondered if he could press pause to just be best friends again, but he wasn’t sure if he even wanted that. He enjoyed what he just did even if he was trying to wash away the guilt.

Stepping out of the shower he checked his phone. One new message

_ ‘can I come over tonight?’ _

I guess pause wasn’t an option. 


	9. I don’t ever want to go to bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut warning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I didn’t realize how much smut I put in here. I think it was to curb writer's block. Anyway, I have no idea how to join the next few chapters because I remember the general plot but I have no idea how to rewrite it. We’ll see how it goes.
> 
> chapter title quote from: Bed - Brand New

Jesse did come over again. Johns parents were home tonight though.

He came over around 6 pm. Late enough that it was obvious he was sleeping over, but early enough that it didn’t seem like this was some sort of sex appointment.

He rang the doorbell and it was Johns mother who answered.

“You’re back so soon!”

“Home gets boring in the summer”

She couldn’t argue with that.

Jesse immediately went upstairs. He wasn’t entirely sure why he wanted to see John so bad. It wasn’t sexual. He’d got that out of the way twice today. He just wanted to see him.

He opened Johns bedroom door quietly and John was sitting cross-legged on his bed. He was flicking through his notebook.

“Hey.”

“Hi, you’re here already.”

“Is that a bad thing?”

“No, you just said tonight, it’s six.”

“Well, I didn’t want to come too late.”

He moved to sit on Johns bed with him. John put his little lock on his journal again and placed it in the drawer of his bedside locker.

“So..” John really didn’t know what to say, but he assumed it was Jesse’s job anyway because he invited himself over.

“I said we’d talk.”

“Yeah.”

“Move over.”

John moved over to the left and lay flat on his bed, Jesse joined him on the right side. They both just looked at the ceiling. 

Jesse wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say, but he had to start somewhere. 

“How do you feel?”

John mulled it over. He felt a lot of things. Most of them weren’t great.

“Conflicted.”

“Yeah, you should talk about it.”

“I don’t know..... I feel... dirty.”

“Dirty?”

“Yeah. Dirty, guilty, relieved.”

“Why’s that?”

“I’m doing things I’m not supposed to do. Thinking things I’m not supposed to think. Fantasies I’m not supposed to.....” he cut himself off. He didn’t want to think about it again.

“But relief because, I guess I figured something out.” He turned his head to look at Jesse instead of the ceiling.

He knew what he wanted to say at this moment. He wanted to tell Jesse he loved him. It was obvious he did, they were best friends. But boys don’t usually say they love each other, even if they do... the real reason John didn’t want to say it was because he knew he didn’t mean it in the friend way. The jealousy.. the attachment... John always wanted to be with Jesse. He just tried to make excuses for it. He was terrified. He couldn’t tell Jesse that. So he didn’t.

Jesse didn’t enjoy the silence of John thinking.

“Figured what out?”

“Why I never.... why I never liked girls and stuff.” Jesse definitely saw how this would be a struggle. He didn’t relate to it. He always liked girls, just boys too.

“So is that the struggle?”

“Yeah, I... I don’t want to be gay, Jess.” His voice was quiet.

“...but I can’t do anything about it. I don’t want to be but... I was never not like this.” Jesse knew what he meant. He didn’t choose to be gay. He didn’t just become gay now. He was, long before this, he just hadn’t figured it out yet.

“A lot of things make sense to me now...” it was Jesse’s turn to speak.

“...a lot of things I thought about, wanted to do. Is it like that for you?”

“Yeah. I feel so stupid.”

“You’re not stupid.” They were both facing each other now.

“I am. I’m stupid for everything. For not realizing. For being this way. For not being able to admit anything. For feeling the way I do.”

“Well, what do you feel?”

John kissed him again, soft, the way he did the first time. Jesse leaned in, it wasn’t going to be more than this, but it was nice.

John pulled back.

“I feel that.”

Jesse knew what he meant. He wondered if John loved him. In a romantic sense. Jesse didn’t ever see himself being with John, they were friends and he was a guy, he imagined one day he’d get married with a kid, maybe a few. He couldn’t have that life with John, but he enjoyed their moments regardless, and he was certainly going to milk it.

“What do you want to do about that?”

John didn’t know how to respond. 

“What do you want?”

“You don’t want to tell anyone.” Truth be told Jesse didn’t want to tell anyone either, but it was easier to pin the blame on John.

“I can’t tell anyone, Jess.” John looked, sad, Jesse thought. He seemed to look like that a lot. His heart stung.

“So we can’t be anything.” It made sense to Jesse, though he was hoping John would disagree. Jesse just didn’t want to date John, he’d take anything else.

His words hurt, John thought. John didn’t know if he wanted them to be anything, all he knew is he wanted Jesse. He did want his hands all over him. He wanted to kiss him every day. He knew deep down he wanted to be with him, but he was still struggling. His plan so far was to spend the rest of the summer on his knees praying that he could be forgiven for what he did with Jesse. For what he felt, but every time he thought about Jesse long enough, he wanted to be on his knees for much worse reasons.

“So we’re nothing then. This is nothing.” John looked into Jesse’s eyes. Searching for some semblance of disagreement.

Jesse was really hoping John would beg. He wanted John to say that he wants him, he needs him, right now John was beating him at his own game.

Jesse turned over, straddling his friend.

“Is that what you really want?” Jesse was using the big guns now.

John felt his own breathing become heavy. Jesse had to know what he made John feel. John was really starting to realize just how much he couldn’t control his feelings. Everyone thought he was reserved, calm, unemotional. It wasn’t true, he was just sad most of the time, but if he felt anything you’d be able to tell. He couldn’t control what he felt at all. Right now, it was starting to feel like Jesse was the one controlling how he felt.

“Jess, my parents are home...”

“We’re not doing anything bad.” He smirked at him. He knew exactly how bad this looked, but they’d be able to hear anyone come up to the door so it didn’t matter.

“You are.”

“And what's that?” Jesse still felt as smug as ever.

“You know what you’re doing.”

“And what is it, that I’m doing.” He said it in a breathy voice, leaning closer to John's face.

John was not a fan of how he felt right now. He was fighting to keep his arms from reaching up to Jesse’s back, pulling him down.

“Stop.”

“I seriously don’t know what I’m doing. Tell me, John.”

“You. You know. You’re doing it on purpose.”

Jesse leant right into his ear. John could hear the spit as Jesse opened his mouth to speak again.

“It’s more than what I said on the phone, isn’t it? I don’t just drive you crazy. You love me.”

John's heart stopped. He was hoping to play it cool.

“Of course I do, we’re friends.”

“Not like that.” Jesse kissed next to John's ear.

Jesse knew John couldn’t lie. He’d have to admit it.

“Fine.”

“Say it.”

“I love you.”

Jesse smiled against the side of John's face, then moved up to kiss him on the lips. He got down from John and lay next to him again.

John was painfully aware of the fact Jesse never said it back. He wasn’t expecting him to, but it still hurt. Jesse forcing him to tell him he loves him, only to essentially tell him he doesn’t feel the same way.

“Just because we aren’t anything doesn’t mean we can’t do things.”

John didn’t know what he meant. What he meant by things.

“Like what?”

Jesse reached for John's hand and just held it. They stayed there for what felt like an hour. Saying nothing. John wondered if he could fall asleep like that. It was peaceful, at least it would’ve been, except he couldn’t stop thinking about how Jesse didn’t love him. How Jesse didn’t want to be anything at all. He felt like it wasn’t feelings Jesse had. Not the way John did. He knew what Jesse meant by holding his hand, that they could be intimate. But John was extremely afraid that all Jesse wanted was sex. What he was most afraid of, was that even if that’s all Jesse wanted, he couldn’t deny him.

After what seemed like forever, Jesse finally spoke.

“My parents are going out tomorrow night... if you want to come over.”

Maybe John was completely right to be afraid.

“I do.”

* * *

John wasn’t entirely sure what he was doing at Jesse’s door at 8 pm Saturday Night. He usually arrived a lot earlier. His dad drove him here and he found it ironic. If his dad knew what John thought would be happening tonight, he’d have driven him to a different state. Maybe a different country. Anywhere where he wouldn’t have to admit he’s his son. 

When Jesse opened the door he gave Johns father a small wave. His dad liked Jesse. He got relatively good grades and he saw him at church sometimes, although rarely, because Jesse really didn’t go that much. He only went when one of his parents forced him, or if he was stalking his friend just a little bit. 

Jesse’s parents had already left. 

John felt so extremely awkward. He did expect that this whole visit was in fact a dick appointment, but he wasn’t going to say anything that implied he thought that is what this was, so he hoped Jesse would do the talking for him. 

“Do you want anything to eat?”

For the first time probably ever, Jesse felt as awkward as John did. 

“What do you have?”

“I’ll check. You can go to my room if you want.” 

John didn’t know why he was terrified right now. He loved Jesse. He came here didn’t he? He hoped being in his room would relax him. 

Jesse realized they didn’t have any good food in his house so he just collected whatever snacks he could find. 

When he got upstairs, John had his eyes on Jesse’s open drawer. 

“You weren’t supposed to open that.”

John just looked at him. Jesse couldn’t identify what emotion it was supposed to be, so he sat down on the bed in front of where John was standing. 

John still didn’t speak. 

“Sit down.” 

He did. Jesse immediately leant in to kiss him. It wasn’t a loving kiss, no, it was something different. It was invasive, John thought it felt like he was trying to get into him. So he opened his mouth. 

Jesse placed his hands around Johns jaw and pushed harder into the kiss, his tongue at some point touching every part of John's mouth. 

Jesse was waiting for John to do something himself, but until he did, he was fine doing all the work. He’d gotten used to straddling John but wished it was the other way around, so he pulled the other man's leg over him into that position. 

He thought about Johns legs spread apart over him. He was begging to use what was in his drawer. 

John finally started to kiss back. He was just scared by what he saw. He would’ve been fine with this, fine with kissing, he would’ve been better than fine, he would have had his hands all over him, possibly begging for it to go further but he knew exactly where this was going, he knew exactly what he wanted. His comfort was he could always say no. 

John let his hand run up his friend’s t-shirt. Jesse hummed happily, John was finally participating. 

Jesse pulled away and threw his shirt on the floor. John took the opportunity to do the same himself. Jesse placed kisses down from John's face to his chest. 

In the process, he fumbled with the button of John’s jeans. John returned the favour. 

John pulled away to stand up and drop his pants, it would’ve been too difficult to slide them down at that angle. Jesse repeated his actions then grabbed him. Jesse pushed John over the bed bent over and kissed his neck from behind. 

“Jess.”

Jesse stopped only to answer. 

“Yes?”

“I don’t know how I feel about this.”

“Are you scared?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m scared.”

“It’s okay, tell me to stop whenever, and I will.”

“Okay.” It was a comfort to John. Jesse said it in a way that made him feel like if he told Jesse to stop, he wouldn’t be mad. That's what he needed.

Jesse pulled the shorter man's underwear down from behind him. He thought that John had an extremely nice ass.

“You look good like this.”

It was comforting, being complimented. John was too scared to be as horny as Jesse was right now so he found it difficult to respond with anything.

Jesse could tell John was scared so thought it might be best if they could see each other's faces. He lay on the bed with his head against the headboard. John stepped back from where he was bent over and looked at him in questioning.

“Come here.”

John crawled on top of him sort of kneeling both legs to the left and right of Jesse’s hips and Jesse reached into his drawer. He pulled out the bottle of lube that made John’s heart stop earlier that night.

John didn’t know how to do any of this. He knew vaguely how gay sex worked. People joked about it all the time, of course they were making fun of it, but still.

Jesse opened it and put some over his fingers. John couldn’t understand what he was doing at all.

Jesse only found out how to do any of this from porn. He wasn’t experienced obviously, he was just hoping it would work, porn usually wasn’t accurate.

He tried to position his hand behind John. 

“Tell me when to stop okay?”

“Jess I don’t really know wha-“

Jesse pressed his finger in. John sucked in air through his teeth. It’s not that it hurt, it’s that it felt wrong. It wasn’t a feeling he ever felt before. He then pressed the second in. Now it hurt.

“Jess it-“ he pressed his hands against Jesse’s chest for balance.

“Do you want me to stop?”

John felt embarrassed.

“No, it’s fine.”

Jesse tried to move his fingers and he could see John attempt to recoil. He didn’t want to see him in pain but he supposed it wouldn’t last that long. Plus, John got punched in the face that one time, he was sure he’d be fine.

“It’ll feel good soon.” He wasn’t actually sure it would. He might be awful at this.

John let out a sort of whine in response and though he knew it was out of pain, Jesse couldn’t help but be even more turned on by it.

He kept moving his fingers trying to find whatever he was supposed to find while John just grimaced.

“Jess I think you could-“ John was trying to tell him it didn’t hurt as much anymore when a sensation hit him that caused him to fall forward.

Jesse supposed he found what he was trying to find, he continued to push over and over in the same spot and watched the older man fall apart on top of him.

“Fuck. Fuck I mmm” John couldn’t describe the feeling. It wasn’t familiar to him at all, but it felt good and that’s all he could think about.

“You like that?” Jesse knew the answer, but he wasn’t sure what to say yet.

“It- it doesn’t hurt anymore it- fuck ummf”

John was starting to move his hips against Jesse’s hand and Jesse wondered how long he’d last before he just had to fuck this man.

He knew he should probably try three before jumping to the big one, but he was selfish.

“Do you want more?”

“Yeah. Yeah I-“

Jesse removed his hand to a hum of disagreement from John. John's eyes looked heavy and yeah, Jesse really couldn’t hold back any longer.

He turned John so that John's head was on the pillow and Jesse was in between his legs.

“John can you?” He gestured towards the drawer and John put his hand in trying to grab the packet of condoms from the drawer. He broke one off from the rest and fumbled it open.

“Gimme that.” Jesse was impatient and sore and John was taking too long. He got it open with difficulty and realized he probably should’ve let John do it because he had lube all over his hand. He eventually did get it open though and put it over his dick. He picked up the lube that was still on the bed and was very generous with the amount.

“Please don’t cry.”

“What?”

Jesse pushed in and John knew why he said it. It  _hurt_. He didn’t think he’d cry but his eyes did actually tear up. He cursed himself in his head even though it wasn’t his fault.

Jesse found it hard not to move. He never felt anything like this before. It was  tight . But he knew John would probably start sobbing if he tried to move right now so he stayed in place.

“Fuck, John, this feels good.”

John was glad at least one of them was enjoying this because he certainly wasn’t. He wasn’t sure whether to ignore the pain or acknowledge it so he could get used to it.

He could see the desperation all over Jesse’s face and found it hard to let him stay like that. He was going to give him what he wanted because he loved him and he loved him more than he loved himself or loved not feeling pain.

“You can... try to move..”

“Yeah?”

John nodded at him again. He didn’t have to tell him a third time. Jesse tried to move in and out slowly and it took all the willpower in him not to slam back into him.

John whimpered again. Jesse imagined it must be an awful feeling but he couldn’t think about it too long because what he himself was feeling right now, was pure bliss.

“John. John, you’re so good....” He stroked Johns face with his hand to try and comfort him.

John felt pathetic really. Like a child of sorts. He wished it would just stop hurting so much so he didn’t need to be comforted, that's not to say he didn’t enjoy it. This slight moment of intimacy wasn’t much but he was going to take it.

Jesse kept adjusting himself trying to hit the right place. He would’ve thought it was impossible if he hadn’t done it with his hands.

John felt like sort of a sex doll. Not that there was no pleasure, it started to feel sort of nice after a while. He thought of making noise, just to help Jesse.

He just moaned softly, but it wasn’t what Jesse was looking for, no, he was looking for John to be falling apart beneath him, begging, and Jesse always got what he wanted.

He kept moving slowly until finally, he heard what he’d been waiting for.

John let out the most pornstar-esque moan Jesse could’ve imagined.

John felt extremely embarrassed but he couldn’t help it, this was truly like nothing he ever felt before, it made him feel out of control, right now he’d give anything just to feel it over and over, but luckily for him, he didn’t have to give anything, because Jesse was going to grant his wishes.

Jesse hit the same place over and over, just to hear John make the noises he was trying to hold back.

“Jesse. Fuck, Jesse, please, please, harder.” It’s not that John wasn’t ashamed of how he was acting, he just couldn’t control it. He felt like an animal, only caring about the feeling. Life didn’t matter, only this did.

Jesse didn’t need to be asked twice and slammed harder and harder into him.

“John, you feel so good, it’s so-“ he chose to just moan to finish his sentence. Jesse didn’t moan much, John noted, it was mostly just extremely loud breathing, but when Jesse did moan it was low, nothing like John near screaming at the top of his lungs. 

John moaned over and over, but it didn’t feel like it was going anywhere. It was endless pleasure to him.

Jesse however was trying to cover up how he himself was falling apart just as much on top of him. He kept closing his eyes because he was afraid Johns face would make him come too fast. He almost wished he could close his ears too, but he didn’t really wish that. He loved what he was hearing.

“See, this isn’t so bad is it.” John knew Jesse was mocking him.

“Fuck you. Fuck-“ his voice got high at the end followed by more moaning. Jesse could tell he wasn’t holding it together and he loved it.

“Tell me how much you love this.”

“Don’t make me talk I- I can’t. Fuck I can’t think I”

“Try. Just for me”

“Fine. F- um okay I.” He couldn’t stop stuttering. He couldn’t think at all.

“You drive me crazy. I- I know you know that. mmmhh. I know you know but you don’t know how much. I think you’re ruining my life” he ended his sentence with a smile.

“This is life-ruining?”

“If I died right now I’d be happy.”

“Cmon what’s so bad.”

“I- ungh I don’t have control- not with you not with- fuck- your dick is in me I shouldn’t be okay with that.” He gave another breathy laugh.

Jesse thought about it. This self-proclaimed holy man let Jesse fuck him. He must have some sort of intense effect on him. Flattery was the number one thing that made Jesse go nuts. He loves the idea of having control over John.

“Just me then, you’d only let me do this yeah?”

“Yeah. Just you. It’s only you.”

At the sound of John's voice Jesse could feel the all too familiar feeling pooling in the bottom of his stomach. He placed his hand around Johns dick and moved it at the same pace as he was pounding into him.

“Fuck.. Jesse faster please faster-“ John could feel himself coming embarrassingly close to his climax, Jesse had only really started touching him now and it made him wonder if he could come untouched. Experiment for another time.

Jesse didn’t mind going faster at all, it would only serve to make his own orgasm even stronger.

“Jess, Jess I’m gonna..”

“Yeah.. fuck. Me too.. you’re so good for me.”

John felt himself spill all over Jesse’s hand and his own stomach. He moaned loudly through it, he didn’t think he could’ve been louder before but he managed. It drove Jesse straight over the edge.

“John.” It was all he said before coming deep in him. Moving slowly to ride out the aftershocks before he pulled out and threw the condom in the bin. He hoped he’d remember to tie the bin bag and dispose of it before his parents came home.

He walked to the bathroom to wash his hands and to get tissues. He walked to his bed and wiped Johns stomach down with the tissue. John just sort of lay there in silence. Jesse grabbed some clean underwear from his drawer, put them on and crawled into the bed next to him. He placed a separate clean pair on top of John but he didn’t react.

Truth be told John didn’t feel like he was entirely on the same plane of existence right now. He was also very tired.

“Do you want me to put them on you?” He knew it would be awkward but he was just hoping John would talk.

“Please.” He sounded tired.

Jesse struggled to pull the underwear up while John was lying down, but managed eventually.

“Are you okay?”

“Better than that. My mind is just blank.”

“Sounds like I did good then,” Jesse smirked to himself. He felt smug.

“Yeah, you did.” John turned over, put his head against Jesse’s neck and closed his eyes. He felt at peace. Jesse put his arms around him and leaned his chin on his head. They fell asleep like that. Calm and peaceful. 


	10. Maybe I should hate you for this

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this chapter pretty quick once I figured out what I wanted to do for the next few chapters. It’s unedited right now since I wanted to post it on Johns birthday haha. Happy birthday to him and enjoy.
> 
> chapter title quote from: You're so last summer - tbs

The summer continued on that track. Just sex and an internal struggle. They continued to grow closer, but Jesse still never told John he loved him, and John wasn’t sure he was ever going to. He couldn’t say it didn’t hurt. It lingered in the back of his mind, haunting him. Any nice moment together could be ruined by his brain deciding to remind him of this predicament.

Things got worse for their return to school. 

John was awkward and wasn’t really sure how to handle his not-really-relationship with Jesse around other people.

So he decided to bring it up.

John was staying at Jesse’s house, sitting in his room at the bottom of his bed. Jesse was trying to organize his wardrobe. John thought it was the perfect opportunity to talk because Jesse was occupied and therefore couldn’t look at him while he spoke.

“So the first day back is next week.”

“Yeah. It’s our last year. You excited?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Excitement doesn’t end with an ‘I guess’”

“I’m just... concerned.”

“‘Bout what?”

“School.”

“What like grades? You don’t have an issue with that shit.”

“No... I mean.. I’m afraid that I’m gonna say something.”

“Say what?”

“Say something that.. I don’t know... I’m afraid of people figuring it out.”

“Figuring what out?” Jesse turned to face him. He could fold more clothes later. It wasn’t much of a reach to assume John meant whatever was going on between them, but Jesse was still pushing to know what John thought they were. Just so he could agree or disagree.

“Us.”

“What about us?”

“Fuck off. You know what I mean.”

Jesse moved over to the bed and sat down up at the pillows. They had a lot of talks in bed. It was comfortable, and comforting. They really did talk a lot. It wasn’t all sex. John was hoping that’s not all they were. He never wanted to make any suggestion of what they were supposed to be because the truth was, he wanted to be with Jesse the way all couples are with each other. It was that simple, but Jesse couldn’t even say he loved him, maybe he didn’t love him. He didn’t want that, but it couldn’t all mean nothing. John was constantly afraid it was only for sex but he also thought about how Jesse would comfort him, praise him, tell him how much he cared, how he’d show his concern. It wasn’t nothing. It couldn’t be.

“What could you possibly say to make anyone think anything strange is going on?”

They were clearly both constantly dodging saying what they were.

“I don’t know... I’m awkward I... I’ll say something or do something and then someone will make a joke and I’ll get scared and it’ll be obvious and-“

His speech was rapid, and Jesse was concerned.

Jesse stroked Johns hair to comfort him, it also silenced him.

John just sat there. He felt like Jesse was always comforting him. It would be humiliating but he’d take what he could get. If this was Jesse’s replacement for love, he’d take it. He’d take anything.

Jesse finally spoke to break the intimate silence.

“Maybe...”

John couldn’t be even close to prepared for what Jesse was going to say. Jesse knew he was full of shit, none of this was going to be for John’s sake, but he didn’t own John. It wasn’t his responsibility to care for his feelings. He felt like he was already being pretty great. A little sting doesn’t hurt long.

“...Maybe we should try... dating girls. I know maybe you’re not comfortable with that, but it would be a good cover up. No one would suspect a thing. You don’t even have to date anyone, maybe I just should, since you don’t like girls and all.”

John felt like he had just been shot. He just sat there in shock. He didn’t know how to react at all. He had always been jealous of Jesse dating, even before he figured out he even liked him like that. He didn’t want this at all.

“Jesse I don’t want you to do that.”

“Why not?”

There was a hint of aggression in Jesse’s voice and it scared John, he didn’t think he’d hurt him, but he knew Jesse would hold up better in an argument than he would.

“I- uhm...”

Jesse’s eyes bore holes into his head. Jesse wasn’t really sure what he expected John to say. He knew it was jealousy. He was flattered by it really, plus, he wouldn’t like if John dated anyone either, but if John dated a girl he knew it would be fake anyway. If John dated a _guy_ , well, Jesse thought he’d probably kill them both, so he understood what John was feeling. However, he believed it was in his best interest to let John try and fail to articulate the feeling, he wanted him to admit he was jealous, it was a power play and they were both aware that Jesse loved that.

“Well?” Jesse spat his words like acid.

“I’ll get jealous, okay? I don’t want you to be with anyone else. I.. I can’t handle that.”

“Well I’m not with you. So it doesn’t matter.”

“Yeah but-“

“But what?”

“What do you want me to say? I’ve said it. I don’t want you to date. I just don’t want you to. I can’t stop you. I’m just saying.”

“Yeah, you can’t stop me.”

John knew exactly what that meant.

“I’m going to go home.”

“Hey, no, don’t do that...”

He grabbed Johns shoulders to keep him in place and to look him intensely in the eye.

“...Listen. I know you don’t agree with me. But I think you’ll slip up as well... I don’t know how you’ll handle that, okay? I know how badly you don’t want anyone to know.”

Jesse’s tone had changed so fast it was worrying. From intending to provoke to telling John he was doing it for his sake. John didn’t know what to feel anymore. He felt like what Jesse was saying was backhanded, expressing the deepest concern for him only after John wanted to leave. Before that he seemed like he was trying deliberately to piss him off. John decided to stay silent, to simply let Jesse say what he wanted to say.

“It won’t mean anything. You know I’ve never cared about those girls I dated...” He placed his hand on Johns thigh. 

“...Not like I care about you.”

John knew he was being incredibly idiotic, but he couldn’t help but fall for it all. He knew that Jesse was only saying what he wanted to hear, but he didn’t care. He didn’t even know what way Jesse cared about him but he fell in love with the implication that it was more than his previous romances. He was desperate. He wondered if he should fight it, to point out that he knew what Jesse was trying to do.

“Jess I-“

He was cut off by Jesse kissing him. It was a fairly long kiss but a simple one. Jesse wrapped his arms around John and John was no longer able to fight Jesse. He was barely able to in the first place. He couldn’t resist even the most basic of intimacies with him.

In this moment he may have felt better, but the impact of the conversation would plague him just like Jesse’s lack of love, or at least inability to admit it.

* * *

The first day back was fine. 

“I feel like I could’ve had more parties.” James was reminiscing on the summer that didn’t seem so fun as a group. But John and Jesse thought it was a good summer, maybe for the wrong reasons. 

“We can have more.” Jesse had a point, it’s not all limited to the summer. 

“Yeah, it’s our last year. That means we get extra fun.” Owen said it with limited enthusiasm, no one was entirely sure he possessed enthusiasm, but he did mean it. 

John didn’t like all the party and fun talk. He had plenty of fun in the summer. Plenty of pain too, but he had this sinking feeling that this year he was only going to get more pain. 

“So Owen, how was your summer?” James was going around the table asking them individually. Johns sinking feeling just got worse. 

“My family went on a road trip. It was shit but not that shit. That’s it really.”

“Sounds cool, what about you Dave?”

“Uh... I hung out with you guys but you knew that cause you were there. I spend most of the summer trying to play football with my brothers.”

“Are you good?”

“Not at all.”

They laughed and James went to the next. 

“Will?”

“I spent half the time at yours man. What the fuck?”

John thought this was strange. They both had made fun of his friendship with Jesse but they seemed to be best friends with each other. He supposed they were right back then, but still, it didn’t matter if they were right or not. They were hypocrites. 

“Fair enough. Jess?”

“Uh. I didn’t do anything interesting...”

Jesse wondered if he could use this opportunity. It was a little evil, he knew this. But he felt like he was right in the long run, he just needed to make John see it. He was going to make their friends suspicious enough to drive John insane. 

“Nothing? Did you not do your usual Saturday thing?”

“Nah we did. But it was the same as usual. The same as it always is. You know? Normal.” He hoped his acting was terrible enough for James to catch on and luckily for Jesse, he did. 

“What the fuck does that mean?” He was laughing. Everything was going as planned

“Just uhm. Ask John.” It’s how John would’ve handled the same situation. John always made Jesse speak for him, he wouldn’t be able to handle this with any sort of grace, and Jesse knew it was perfect - but also payback for having to finish all his sentences. 

“‘Aight. John how was your summer?”

“I uh.. I worked for half of it.” John couldn’t comprehend why Jesse seemed to crumble at the question. Damning John to try and explain. 

“How’s Jesse then?”

John had no clue what to say or why Jesse couldn’t say it for himself. Wasn’t Jesse supposed to be cool headed one?

“He’s fine. I don’t know why he’s being so weird.” John proceeded to shoot Jesse a death stare to try and point out how he was acting, of course Jesse knew exactly what he was doing and John was really the one oblivious. 

“Nah there’s something going on here.”

Now the panic started to set in. At first John hoped that he could pass it off as just Jesse being strange today, it happens to everyone, but once James started suspecting anything, he was fucked. 

John just looked up and accidentally made direct eye contact with James. 

It was awkward and long and John regretted it immediately because by making this eye contact he basically told James there was something going on. 

“So are you gonna tell me?”

Jesse chimed in again, with a final blow. 

“No.”

John was stunned. There was no getting away with it now. He simply didn’t know why Jesse had forced him to cover for him only to ruin it by answering James’ question. 

When school ended that day John followed after him before he got into the car. 

“What was that?”

“What was what?”

“You just- James is gonna think- He’s gonna suspect that-“

“I messed up okay? Maybe _I_ won’t be able to handle this right.”

“So _you’re_ gonna slip up? How? You always know exactly what to say.” It’s not as if John wasn’t aware that Jesse could be extremely calculated in what he said, he knew Jesse used it on him over and over, so what was stopping him from doing it with others?

“I just got nervous, alright?” Jesse was really just waiting for John to ask what they should do about it, how they should handle it, so that Jesse could suggest the dating thing again but this time without John getting mad. However, John said something even better. 

“Maybe you should date someone... Just, just so that they won’t suspect what’s actually going on..” John didn’t want to say it. He really didn’t know how to handle the idea of Jesse dating someone who wasn’t him, especially while still being involved with him, whatever that involvement was.

“Really?” Jesse looked, oddly hopeful for someone who supposedly seemed so stressed at the situation.

“Yeah.” John didn’t sound certain, simply because he wasn’t. Jesse was smiling, far too much John thought. Though it was weird and definitely indicative of what was really going on here, he couldn’t help but smile back, it was contagious, if Jesse was happy, he was happy.  
  


* * *

The first few weeks of school were fine. Jesse didn’t slip up, of course he didn’t, since he only did it on purpose and he no longer had a reason. Every so often, James would make guesses on what was going on but he hadn’t got close to the truth, and neither of them wanted him to get there. 

Permission to date was obviously only the first step for Jesse though, he really only wanted to be allowed to date just in case he met a girl he liked, he was getting ahead. 

John was pretty happy that Jesse, though allowed to date, hadn’t actually done it yet. Except for the moment where John’s poor little heart shattered into pieces. 

Jesse rang him on Friday after school. Only to tell him he had something to say the next day. John couldn’t understand why he rang to tell him this instead of just telling him. Now he was left to stress about it. Maybe Jesse was just preparing him for whatever was going to be said. Either way, John’s thoughts were driving him crazy. He couldn’t wait til tomorrow just to sooth his thoughts. He barely slept that Friday night.

Last week they decided Jesse would be going to John’s, but on the phone Jesse asked John to come to his. He walked instead of letting his dad drive him.

He had to steady his panicked breathing when he knocked on the door, he only got one knock in before Jesse opened the door, he had already been standing there, waiting.

“Hello.”

“Hello.”

The tension was obvious.

“Do you want to come in?”

“Do I?” John had a little too much attitude but who could blame him? He had been stressed for 24 hours now.

Jesse simply stepped aside in response, allowing John to walk in himself.

“We should go upstairs.” John thought that Jesse phrased it like a threat, or at least John felt threatened by it, whether that was Jesse’s fault or not.

John traipsed up the stairs after Jesse and Jesse opened the door for him and let him in first, a gentlemanly thing to do, in contrast for what he was about to do.

“Jesse, just tell me what’s going on.” John turned to him, he sounded exasperated.

Jesse knew he couldn’t dodge it. It was his plan to tell him today and he had to tell him in person.

“You should probably sit down.”

“No.”

“Okay. Well...”

Jesse looked at him directly in the eye. The confidence Jesse had while saying this only served to hurt John more.

“...I’m dating this girl...”

John knew that was it. He knew. It’s what he had been tearing himself apart thinking about.

“...Her name is Charlotte...”

Charlotte. John remembered that name. He remembered leaving a girl with that name at a party to talk to Jesse.

“...You remember her.. Right?”

It _was_ her. The girl who had been interested in John. It was a very weird choice for Jesse to make but he wasn’t thinking about that right now. He was wondering what this meant. He knew Jesse would date someone eventually, but he tried to push it all out. Now he had to think about it.

“Yeah. I do.”

“Yeah I thought it was kind of funny sinc-“

“ _Shut up._ Jess.”

It did hurt Jesse a little, John spat his words like poison, something Jesse did quite often but he never expected it in return. He supposed he couldn’t blame John for snapping since he obviously didn’t want it to happen. He knew John would be pissed, that’s why he told him here, where he couldn’t hang up and he couldn’t walk away.

“John, listen.”

He put his hand on Johns shoulder and John stepped backwards way from Jesse’s arm, breaking the contact.

“John, listen to me.”

Jesse knew a good bit of psychology, read some books at the library on it, he read that people like to hear their own name in conversation.

“No. No. I’m not- I don’t want to hear about your fucking girlfriend.”

“No this is about you, listen to me, please.”

John noted that Jesse’s tone was soft, it made John incredibly weak. He knew he was weak. Weak to all of Jesse’s tricks and even the smallest of touches and the smallest acts of kindness. He had thought about it since they first kissed. He loved Jesse too much, he knew it, he had been obsessed with him almost his whole life. It was going to be the death of him. He was tragically in love with him, so much that even when he deserves to be angry, when he deserves to make Jesse _hurt_. He couldn’t.

“Fine.”

“Thank you.”

Jesse stepped forward again and cupped Johns face with his hands. John felt like he was going to melt. He really was weak. How hard could it be to stay mad? How hard could it be to back away? How hard could it be to leave? Well simply it wasn’t hard at all, and John still couldn’t do it.

Jesse spoke again.

“I’m just with someone okay? That that doesn’t mean anything changes between us.”

Jesse moved his right hand from the side of Johns face down his arm to hold his hand. John stayed silent and let Jesse speak.

“We still have _this_.”

John didn’t want to stay silent anymore.

“Can you at least tell me what _this_ is?”

That’s was the age old question. This was the least John was asking for so Jesse had to give it to him. What was John to Jesse? Jesse had thought about it before, but was struggling in how to phrase it. Jesse did love John. He never said it, but he did. He loved a lot of things about John. He loved how he was funny, how they could fuck around, how they could fuck. He loved that he was sweet and nervous and everything Jesse was the opposite of. He loved the power he had over him and he didn’t want to lose it. He knew how much John loved him and he knew John would do anything for him. He would be a fool to ever give that up.

“I love you.”

It wasn’t an answer. John knew that. There wasn’t any answer John wanted to hear because what he wanted was to date. He didn’t want to think about the future but he’d marry him if he could - although it was illegal. That was never going to be the answer Jesse would give him so he just wanted any answer. Jesse couldn’t even give him that. What Jesse did give him however, was what John had needed to hear in all these months. What he had been waiting for. He couldn’t help but fall for it. Could anyone blame him?

Jesse kissed him, soft, not pushing further. John didn’t know what to say anymore.

“I love you too.”

It was all he could think of right now.

“I know.”

John pulled back and finally took up Jesses request for him to sit down.

Jesse followed after him.

“We can still do everything we’ve been doing.”

John knew what he meant. Jesse meant sex. John wanted to be bitter about it, but he knew that Jesse also meant cuddling, talking late into the night. Sometimes just kissing in silence then falling asleep. As long as they had their Saturdays, John felt he’d be fine.


	11. Either way the truth is bound to get twisted

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can really tell it’s getting to the part where things start to change and fast. I’m thinking of (when I get to finish this) uploading just the part Adam is in (and reworking some parts) so if you’re reading this maybe comment. Maybe.
> 
> chapter title quote from: Dignity and Money - Straylight Run

Jesse and charlottes relationship was, odd. Of course it had to be. Technically he was cheating on her from the very beginning, he didn’t think much of this. He knew to be in a good, healthy relationship he would have to make his friendship with John much more friend-like, or maybe stop talking to John altogether. But John loved him, he thought, wouldn’t it be worse for everyone to cut John off, wheres the benefit in that? Everyone would get hurt. 

Though Jesse and John always spent a lot of time together, it had been irritating to every girlfriend Jesse had ever had. Wondering why they were always calling each other if they talk in school all the time or why they had to spend every Saturday together. Jesse would feel guilty cancelling Saturday plans with his best friend, but just as guilty not spending enough time with his at-the-time girlfriends.

Even though it was clear it irritated them, Charlotte was the first to bring it up to him, but maybe that made sense. They had been dating for a while now and went to some parties together. Parties where John was as well. She had seen their intense closeness however they tried to hide it. It really wasn’t that strange how close they were (at least in public) but people tend to think guys showing any affection to friends is strange.

She brought it up to Jesse while they were sitting in his car. His parents bought it for him, it was unbelievably shit, but he was extremely grateful regardless.

“Do you have to spend so much time with John?” It was dark outside. He wasn’t really sure where he had parked, some random car park anyway. He hoped after this conversation he could drive around and figure out how to get home. Right now though he had to respond.

“I don’t spend that much time with him. I’m here arent I?”

“Yeah I guess, I just get jealous.”

“Jealous? of John?”

“Yeah.”

“What’s there to be jealous of?” He was really not being his best here, but he genuinely didn’t understand what she meant.

“How much time you spend together. How close you are. Sometimes I feel like you’re all over each other. You’re supposed to be all over me.” She had a valid point, Jesse thought. She was right, but she was also getting a little too close to the truth, he needed to fix it - and the best lies are based off the truth.

“Listen baby, I really shouldn’t be telling you this, but I really like you. I want you to know the truth...” He was pulling out all the stops.

She looked into his eyes with a look of almost admiration before he continued.

“...John... John likes guys. John is gay. He gets a little close like that. Maybe he likes me, I don’t know. That’s why he didn’t flirt with you at that party.”

“Yeah, he wanted to flirt with you instead.” She rolled her eyes. She was glad at least there was nothing wrong with her, the thing John wasn’t interested in about her is the fact that simply she was a woman. What she was mad about, is that she felt John must be in love with Jesse, of course, she was right, but she didn’t know Jesse loved him the same way in return.

“Does that make it better?”

“I think it makes it worse... I don’t.. I don’t want you being friends with him anymore, Jesse.” It made sense. A lot of relationships get torn apart from a third person having an intense crush on one of the pair. She wasn’t afraid of Jesse loving him back - Jesse wasn’t gay.... of course. She just didn’t like the idea of them together regardless.

“I can’t just stop being friends with him.”

“Why not?”

“Hes my best friend. We’ve been friends pretty much all my life. I can’t- I don’t like hurting people.” He pushed her hair back behind her ears. It was a nice thing to say really. It was also mostly true, he had hurt quite a few people in his life, but he didn’t like to do it.

“Fine. I understand that. Could you at least.. I don’t know, spend less time with him?”

“Of course. Of course.” He kissed her on the forehead.

“Should we go home now?”

“Well we could have more fun first.”

* * *

John was not an idiot. Lovesick, but not an idiot. When Jesse only talked to him in school and only ever called to cancel hanging out every Saturday, he knew something was up. He really wasn’t the confrontational type, but he needed to say something about it. He wouldn’t admit this to Jesse, but it kept him up at night. His heart hurt. It felt like he was almost going through withdrawal symptoms from not spending time together anymore. In school they couldn’t even touch - it was too public. 

However, John only got the chance to talk to Jesse in school now, so he had to confront him then. 

Right before their music class, as they both came in early, John spoke to him quietly. 

“Are you able to come over soon? It’s been like... a really long time.”

“It hasn’t been that long.” Jesse believed it really hadn’t been. 

“Yes it has. I miss you.”

“I’m right here.” Jesse looked at John as he said it, and realized John looked like he was about to cry.

“Yeah. Yeah but... you’re not.. you’re not you here.”

Jesse hushed his voice before speaking. “So you miss me fucking you then.” It came out bitter, he supposed he meant it to sound like that. Of course they couldn’t do that close to as often anymore, it was cheating now, it plagued Jesse with guilt every time they did it.

John finally did start crying. It was embarrassing. Everyone else who had been early, though there wasn’t very many of them, looked at him. There wasn’t very many good reasons to start crying during a conversation with your best friend. He hoped most people would think someone he knew died or something like that.

“John stop it.”

It only made it worse. John could feel his own heart breaking, he knew he’d feel heartbreak eventually, but he didn’t expect it to be before 9am on a Thursday.

Jesse tried not to look at his best friend crying in front of him. He wanted to remain firm, but however obvious it was that John was weak to him, Jesse could be weak to John too.

“John.”

John stood up and ran to the bathroom. He knew he’d then be late to class but everyone had seen him crying anyway and he hoped they would vouch for him. Their music teacher was cool, she would be cool with him being late if she knew he had been crying.

Jesse stood up after him, John didn’t notice him following. He was too focused on getting away from everyone. He chose the most empty bathroom in the school. It was quite far away from the classroom he had been in, but it was small and only Had two stalls, people rarely went in because it was further away from most classrooms.

He knocked down the toilet seat, sat down and cried into his hands. What he was crying about he wasn’t entirely sure, but that’s what crying is like. You forget why, but you just need to cry. He started to calm down after a while, just in time as he heard the bathroom door squeak open. He began to finally think through his feelings. Jesse had basically said John only wanted sex. He had to know that that is not at all what John meant. John meant how they would laugh as just the two of them, how they would watch the same movies over and over, how they would talk and talk and cuddle close together at night. How Jesse would stroke his hair when he pressed his forehead to Jesse’s chest. How they would kiss both softly and passionately. He missed him. He missed how they were. Now it felt like John was to Jesse what all his other friends were. Someone to talk to at lunch and during class. He began crying again.

He heard a knock on the stall door. But he didn’t respond. He just froze until he heard a voice from the other side of the door.

“John?”

Why would Jesse follow him? He clearly didn’t care.

He sniffled before he spoke. “Go away, Jess.”

“No. Are you okay?”

“What do you think?”

“Listen, I know you’re upset just let me in.”

John noted that Jesse didn’t seem to acknowledge that he was the one who upset John in the first place.

John stood up and unlocked the door. Not because he particularly wanted to talk to Jesse, but more because he wanted this whole thing to be over.

As soon as he opened the door however, Jesse hugged him. John tried to step back, irritated. But Jesse only stepped with him, locking the door behind them, still hugging with one arm tightly.

He could feel John trying to remove himself from the hug so he let him go.

“What’s wrong?”

“How could you say that to me?” John didn’t sound angry, he still sounded just as sad as he felt. His voice split in the middle of his sentence, which was to be expected while still crying a little.

“Say what? I... don’t remember what I said.”

“Y-you said- you said I just- that I just missed sex. How could you say that to me? I- I love you. You know. You have to- you have to know that’s not- that that isn’t what I meant. I miss you. I miss you, I miss you.”

He was a stumbling mess through all his words, followed by him collapsing to his knees on the dirty floor. He grabbed around Jesse’s knees. He did want to hug Jesse, maybe he just didn’t want to be hugged back.

Jesse kneeled down to look him in the eye, cupping under Johns chin with his hand, lifting Johns head to make eye contact. Then he kissed him, softly.

When he pulled back John spoke again.

“Don’t.... don’t do that. Please just speak to me instead.” John felt he must’ve evolved as a person, he found it hard to stop being desperate for any form of affection, but he knew what he wanted. He wanted Jesse to apologize, to explain how he understand what John actually wanted, how he understood why John was upset.

“I don’t know what you want me to say...”

“It’s not what I want you to say. It’s what you want to say.”

“Okay...” he inhaled audibly, preparing himself for trying to fix things, only with words.

“I’m sorry I said that, I didn’t mean it, I know you miss me, I miss you too, we can hang out soon I promise. I love you.” 

It was everything John wanted to hear, and it was suspicious. Or maybe he was thrown off by Jesse’s relatively cold delivery. As if he was reading off a script. He didn’t want to press it further though, he’d know if he was lying if he didn’t live up to his promise.

“Why....” He began to respond, snaking his arms around Jesse’s upper back.

“...why have you stopped calling me... why have you stopped trying?”

Jesse knew the answer. He wasn’t prepared to give it to him.

“Can we talk about that in private? We have to go to class eventually you know.....”

“We can talk about it when you invite me over, how about that? Since you promised..”

“Sounds good.”

They stood up and Jesse gave John a small kiss on the cheek before they left the bathroom and returned to class - extremely late.


	12. You always know exactly what it is I need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter because I felt like it had to be a stand-alone event. The next chapter will probably be quite long (covering a larger time span + background lives. It’ll be good though. There will be a huge turn of events in the next chapter.) I’m going to go back and add the song title in the notes for whatever I quoted for the chapter name.  
> This chapters is: we’ll never leave again - straylight run

Jesse did keep his promise and invited John over. On a Saturday, of course. It didn’t take much compromising since Charlotte had some family trip that weekend anyway. 

John didn’t feel happy to go. He just wanted peace. He just wanted something to come of it. It felt like an event, to go to Jesse’s, now that it had become a rarity. 

John mentally formed a list of questions he needed answered. 

Why did he stop calling?  Why does he keep cancelling?  Why is he so cutthroat about it?

Though he also thought, with Jesse, no questions ever seem to get answered, only new questions are formed. 

When he rang the doorbell it felt like all those other awkward times he had to do it. When Jesse opened the door he didn’t even bother saying anything. He just walked to Jesse’s room, since Jesse would tell him to go there anyway. 

He sat on Jesse’s bed since, well if this is going to be awkward conversation he may as well be comfortable. Plus if he waited for Jesse to tell him to, he’d want to stand just to spite him. 

Jesse followed him upstairs in disbelief. 

When Jesse closed over his own bedroom door he saw John sitting on his bed, about to speak. 

“So. Why aren’t you talking to me?”

“I do talk to you.”

“Yeah in school, or to call to cancel any plans we had outside of school.”

If Jesse was honest he’d have to say he’d never witnessed John like this, so straightforward, words laced with intention. 

“Fine. Charlotte doesn’t want me to talk to you.”

It wasn’t what John was expecting. To the point, he thought Jesse was trying to pass blame. 

“Do you mean you don’t want to talk to me?”

He faced Jesse with a look of bitter accusation. 

“No. No, I wasn’t lying John, she genuinely doesn’t want me to talk to you.” He was shocked by it really, John accusing him of lying when he wasn’t even lying. 

“And why would she not want that?”

“She... I think she’s catching onto us.”

John started to figure things out. He started to panic, if Charlotte was catching on, then Jesse was getting nervous, then Jesse would stop spending time with John, maybe stop being ‘friends’ altogether. Maybe he’d never talk to John again. John's heart began to hurt again. 

“You... you said..”

“What?”

“You said it wouldn’t change anything. You said being with her wouldn’t change anything.”

“I know that. But... how was I supposed to know things would get complicated?”

“They’re not that complicated. Just stay true to your word.”

Jesse finally made his way to his own bed and sat in front of John but didn’t face him. John had his head up against the headboard facing forward, but Jesse was sitting sideways facing his own wardrobe, dodging Johns stare. 

Jesse knew how he’d usually handle this. Simply drown John in physical affection until he felt better. He didn’t always try manipulate John, but he knew it made John feel better. He really did want to make John feel better, he wanted John to be happy, but he really didn’t see any type of life where John would be happy, maybe he wasn’t a happy person. Maybe he was cursed. He figured it must suck for John. 

He felt awkward though, he didn’t know how John would take to physical affection now. He supposed he might as well try. 

He adjusted himself to turn towards John, sitting over his legs and kissed him, strong but slow. 

John could’ve enjoyed it, but he didn’t want to. 

“Stop it, Jess, we’re talking.”

“I thought you missed me.”

“I do.”

“Well, I’m right here.” He pushed Johns hair behind his ear, the same way he had comforted Charlotte. John had much longer hair now, at Jesse’s request all those months ago. Though it wasn’t long enough to stay behind his ear as it immediately fell forward again. 

John was struggling once again, he felt like he was always doing that. He always wanted Jesse’s touch, and who was he to deny it now? He knew he’d never get any true answer he wanted from Jesse, but it was probably in his best interest to try. 

“I know. I just miss... I miss what we were before this.” There was a mutual understanding of what ‘this’ was. 

“I know.” He leaned in to kiss John again, short, allowing John to speak again. 

“Why doesn’t she want you to talk to me?”

“She thinks.... she thinks we’re too close.”

“I guess she’s not wrong... but why?”

“She thinks you’re obsessed with me.” Jesse wasn’t going to admit that he had essentially put John at risk by outing him. 

John didn’t like that. What about the way they acted made John seem like the weird one? Wasn’t Jesse just as affectionate? If not more?

“Why does she think that?”

“I don’t know.” Jesse crawled on top of John after he said it. Jesse was starting to realize he can’t control this situation very well - and he didn’t like it one bit. 

He tried to kiss him again for the third time. Johns thoughts were still spinning. There was something strange going on but he couldn’t figure it out. He didn’t even know what questions to ask. He felt like a jealous girlfriend. 

Jesse kept trying to kiss him, touch him, anything to get John to do something back. It was the only way he knew how to control anything, to play on Johns physical need for him, but John didn’t seem to be responding. 

Jesse slid his hands under Johns sweatpants and took the drastic measures that were to simply grab his dick. 

John pulled back from Jesse’s kiss. 

“What the fuck?”

Jesse tried to lean in again in response. 

“Jesse? What is wrong with you?”

Jesse had to respond verbally. 

“What? You don’t want me now?”

John felt like that stung. Jesse knew it would sting, it was his intention. 

“Of course I want you-“

“Then why don’t you want me to touch you.”

“I just wanted to talk.”

“Like we’re friends? Like we’ve never done this?”

“You know that’s not what I mean.”

“You’re mad that we haven’t been the same but you’re fucking rejecting me? Maybe you’re the reason shit has changed.”

John wondered if Jesse was right - but Jesse wasn’t right. Jesse knew that, but when all goes wrong you should play the victim, right?

“That’s not... fine. Fine.”

John finally started participating. It felt nice at least, he could feel the withdrawal symptoms fading away at Jesse’s touch. 

* * *

They did what they usually did. Not ‘real sex’ since Jesse’s parents and brother we’re home, but just hands and mouths. 

It’s not that John didn’t enjoy it. It’s that he thought too much. He lay in Jesse’s arms thinking. Thinking about how much control Jesse had, how he knew he had it, how he always used it. 

He noted that Jesse seemed to know what buttons to push to get out of the situation, to get out of John figuring out what was going on - John still hadn’t figured it out yet, and if Jesse had his way, he never would. Jesse didn’t put Johns heart at ease, and it hurt more than either of them thought it could. 


	13. Tell me what you got away with

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter song: Seventy times 7 - Brand new  
> And beware of that because we really didn’t need another version of this fight but I’m not creative enough to do anything else. 
> 
> Huge turning point here. It’s a bit fast but necessary. Enjoy. 
> 
> also warning, you’re about to find out why I said every character is the villain at some point.

* * *

Their background lives started to get hectic. They graduated, though, neither of them had any particular desire to go to college. They had both been in-and-out of bands since high school, sometimes they were in the same ones, sometimes they weren’t. Jesse had been in more as John didn’t really know as many people to even form bands with.

John stayed living with his parent's, sort of out of a request from Michelle who wasn’t the biggest fan of living there with just them but mostly to save up money from his full time but almost minimum wage Job. He had a car and was still saving to get his own place because he wanted a large amount to start with so he could set everything up with No worry and have a rainy day fund. He didn’t have a lot of free time because he worked a lot, but he had even less free time after Jesse suggested joining a band that Eddie Reyes had founded, whether that would go well no one knew since Eddie had founded a handful of bands and he never seemed to stay in them.

Joining the band interfered slightly with his work hours but he was hoping it would go somewhere because he still didn’t want to go to college. Jesse didn’t seem to want for everything to go the same way. Jesse had explained to John how “being just a bassist is shit” and his lyrics are too good to have them ignored by Antonio who annoyed them both at times. John asked if Jesse would want to leave but really hoped he didn’t want to leave, being in a band together meant that John had an excuse to be around him more, without Charlotte accusing John of trying to get in Jesse’s pants (even if he was doing that.)

They didn’t seem to write any real music before Jesse announced he might leave. He announced it to everyone, maybe as a threat or maybe as a warning. It wasn’t clear. Either way, Eddie decided to seek out a new bassist just in case.

John still knew Jesse was lying about something. What, he could never seem to tell. He had become a more agitated person - maybe from working in a public service job.Sometimes he took it out on Jesse. Arguing about nothing and sometimes calling after work just to yell at him. He felt he must be losing it, going from a relatively peaceful individual to screaming over the phone, but he supposed he maybe should’ve predicted this gradual change from that time he punched his own friend in the face. 

Jesse couldn’t understand where this version of John had come out of either, but the tension between them only grew as Jesse because frustrated, often accusing John of changing too much - they were like a bitter married couple who really would be better off getting a divorce. But neither of them wanted to ‘break up’ (although they weren’t in a relationship). They loved each other too much. John knew it. John could acknowledge that their ‘relationship’ had caused him a lot more pain than it did anything else. Perhaps he was sick of it. Perhaps that’s why he did what he was about to do.

* * *

It was another boring night at some random dudes party because “bars don’t have bedrooms.” Drinking isn’t as fun when you’re not sneaking around and your ID is real. Everyone knows that. John spent the first hour there talking to Eddie about how he found a bassist just in case and it made John's head spin at the idea that Jesse would leave the band and probably make a new one, it would probably be successful, he would probably always be going on tour and John wouldn’t even be an afterthought.

John didn’t have a drinking problem. He really didn’t. What he did have, was a tendency to get extremely drunk at social events where something Jesse related made him upset. All on the list of the pain their relationship had caused. When he was drunk he was more capable of acknowledging it. When he was sober he knew he loved Jesse all too much, and how could he love a bad person? John felt he himself was a good person. So he would fall in love with another good person, right? He simply thought too much about it. When he was drunk, it was the raw emotion of the negative impact Jesse had on him that made him realize that maybe Jesse wasn’t quite a good person, or at least he wasn’t that great to John. John could acknowledge how Jesse would comfort him, soothe him in ways only he would know how. But Jesse only had to comfort him when something Jesse had done hurt him. He would always paint the picture of “it had to be done”. Nothing was necessary. Jesse was always manipulating him. John was drunk and therefore stupid, but he was now also pissed.

If he was smart he wouldn’t have spoken to Charlotte that night. She was drunk too although not quite as much as he was. He spoke to her with a sickeningly sweet attitude. He could’ve been mean, but he chose not to, because really she hadn’t done much wrong. She hadn’t manipulated him, all she did was maybe be a little too clever and figure out that he and his best friend were perhaps a little more than best friends.

He was mad at Jesse - and he could stay mad because Jesse was off talking to god knows who and wasn’t caressing John’s face to make him weak and feel just love instead. Thinking about this made John even angrier. 

Charlotte was friendly, maybe she would’ve been colder if she had been sober. Maybe she’s always friendly. She didn’t really have anything against John. It’s not his fault he’s gay she supposed. They were shouting over the music as they had been the first time they met. Charlotte eventually asked if they wanted to talk somewhere quieter because she enjoyed talking to John. John was much more of Charlotte’s type than Jesse was, it’s why she tried to flirt with John at that one party. Right now it was all the more clear to her, since not only physically was he her type, but he seemed much more like her type of person. He seemed sweet, but maybe a little too emotional, he was vulnerable in the way you’d want a partner to be, so you could talk together about things that matter instead of just sex and what foods you like. She wanted to go somewhere quieter to really hear what John had to say, even if he was very drunk.

They found their way to somebody’s bedroom and hoped that no one else was in there, they got lucky, but maybe that’s because the night was still young.

They got on to the topic of Jesse and John was less than happy about it. She didn’t really mean to pry into the nature of their friendship and she had no intentions of getting John to admit he likes guys, she just wanted to know more about her long-term boyfriend.

“So what’s Jesse like to you? You know they say to judge a person on how they act around their friends.”

John didn’t think she was prying either. It was a perfectly normal question to ask - even if she probably should’ve asked a lot earlier.

“He’s shit. He’s a shit person.”

Charlotte was caught off guard. Jesse didn’t exactly sing Johns praises either but she expected him to have a lot more nice things to say. The drunkenness of himself and the harshness of his words made her assume something must’ve happened. Though nothing really happened, there was no one event, it was just now years of torment boiling over.

“What did he do?”

“He’s a dick. He’s a liar. He manipulates people. He’s the worst person I know.” The last part probably wasn’t true, but sometimes dramatics are necessary to get your emotions out.

Charlotte didn’t think Jesse was a dick. But manipulating people, well, she’d felt that too.She also felt like he was lying to her sometimes. A lot of the time. She didn’t love him as John did, but perhaps she could’ve if she had spent the amount of time John had spent with him. She didn’t think John was a liar, and wouldn’t he know Jesse best? She was quite confused right now.

“Maybe you deserve better.”

“Yeah. I think I do.” He was still bitter.

John wasn’t an advocate for revenge. Maybe this was revenge, maybe it was because Charlotte had much better intentions than Jesse seemed to have, but either way, he did what would end up being his quickly unravelling downfall.

He kissed Charlotte. She was only more confused but they were both drunk and they didn’t break it until Charlotte thought about how Jesse told her that John was gay.

“Wait- Wait, John.”

“Mm?”

“You’re gay.”

“What?”

“Jesse... Jesse uhm... he told me you were gay.”

John didn’t know what to feel, it had gone from stupidity born from drunken anger to now blind rage. How dare he. How dare Jesse tell her that and lie to him about it. Never mention it. Of course, he knew why Jesse never told him, because it was awful. If Charlotte had been a different kind of person John could’ve been in danger - maybe he was in danger since if Jesse was okay with telling her, well then he’d be okay with telling anyone. He needed to get revenge. He might not have thought that revenge was necessary, but once again, he was drunk.

“What the fuck? I’m not gay.” His voice was laced with anger.

“I’m seeing that now. I thought you didn’t like me because you were gay.”

“You thought that or Jesse told you that?”

“He just told me that you’re gay and maybe you like him.”

“Yeah well trust me. I’m not.” And he proved it, kissing her again. Kissing her with a lot more intention than before. His intention was revenge.

He pushed her onto her back, crawling on top of her. He really didn’t like girls. He knew that. Well, he didn’t like them like that anyway. Girls were typically nicer, or at least more caring. Maybe nicer isn’t accurate. He wasn’t attracted to her though, not because of anything to do with her specifically, but because Jesse was right in what he had said.

John wondered exactly what they were going to do. He supposed he’d let her steer this in any direction she wanted. He’d never had sex with a woman, and before now he never had any intention to. It was also strange, he never was on top with Jesse. He never asked, but Jesse made it pretty clear he’d never let him. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to have ‘real’ sex with Charlotte. It would probably be a little too clear that she was a girl, and John knew he wasn’t into it. Not that he was really into any of it, but revenge is revenge and sometimes you have to bleed for it.

John wondered if Charlotte felt guilty about cheating but he didn’t think so since when John came up for air she said: “I always thought you were hotter anyway.”

He’d have to admit her lips were softer than Jesse’s, they also tasted like coconut lip balm.

At some point, they must have turned over and John sat up, but everything was sort of a blur until all of a sudden his pants were around his ankles and her mouth was around his cock.

Her hair was long and easy to grab but he didn’t do much because he was a little tired and wasn’t bothered to move. He was getting there, at least.

He maybe would’ve gotten there, if there had been a lock on the door but there hadn’t been and it was all too cliché and too dramatic for John to think the events that followed were even real, but they were real.

Jesse had spent most of the party chatting up old friends and even some new ones. It was a good social opportunity, he liked people. He liked knowing a lot of people. As the night went on he started to get tired of people because well everyone’s social battery runs out eventually and it made the music feel louder and he wanted to get away. He knew someone would be having sex in the very few bedrooms in this place but the people were always drunk and probably wouldn’t care if Jesse walked in for a breather.

They did mind. Because John sat there in disbelief struggling with how to react while someone was still sucking on him.

Jesse was confused, to say the least. Once he had figured out that John was the one staring at him with drunken wide eyes, he tried to figure out who the other person was. It was clearly a girl so Jesse didn’t really care. At least he thought they were a girl but maybe it was a super feminine guy with long hair.

“Hey, John.” He said mostly nonchalantly since he couldn’t be jealous when John was gay and he was probably just alcohol-induced horny and went with the nearest person who’d be willing to do anything.

Except Charlotte recognized the voice and pulled back, not realizing that Jesse hadn’t recognized her yet. She turned towards him and thank god John at least still possessed the reflex to pull up his pants.

Jesse didn’t know whether to drop dead or murder them both. He really couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t really blame Charlotte for cheating on him when he had been cheating on her this whole time, but he kind of did blame her since she didn’t know he had been doing that. He possessed a different scale of anger toward John. John who told him he loved him too often and practically begged him to show even the slightest affection because he had thought John was so desperate but now he thought he must not be desperate for affection, it must just be attention.

Of course, this act was because John was desperate for both. Because everything had gone on too long and maybe it could’ve been fine if they had talked it through like a healthy non-relationship but every time John tried to talk Jesse always stopped them from talking. John wondered if he could really blame Jesse for all his actions of the night, but he knew he couldn’t. He knew he was in the wrong and he’d have to pay the price. He did.

Jesse’s thoughts escalated into a true blind rage and stopped him from thinking much at all. He strode towards them and Charlotte scrambled backwards. She wanted to run away so she did. She got away with it too since she wasn’t really the target of his anger but as she opened the door he looked towards her only to firmly say “we’re done.” but he didn’t really need to say it because she already knew.

She had too much curiosity though. She didn’t close the door fully. She left it slightly open to watch the following events play out, mostly because she found it strange how Jesse should’ve been much madder at her, but he hadn’t been.

John tried to stand up, holding his pants up with his hands because he couldn’t remember where he put his belt. His eyes were slightly blurred and he was aware that he had a clear erection since he had been interrupted and it made the whole situation much more embarrassing and he hoped he wouldn’t remember it in the morning.

He didn’t expect Jesse to punch him in the face, but he did. It all happened too fast. First he got hit and then all of a sudden he was up against the wall. His pants sort of slid halfway down but his underwear was still up. It was still hard to focus but he could at least see that Jesse looked like he was going to kill him, he hoped maybe he would.

Jesse was a lot stronger than John had thought. Maybe he was holding everyone to his own standards. Jesse pulled him back and pushed him against the wall again before finally directing speech at John himself.

“You’re dead.”

It was cold and unrevealing. Filling John with questions that would never get answered directly if things went they way they usually went. Jesse finally let him go and punched him again, allowing him to fall to the floor because he didn’t have enough balance to withstand that. Jesse spoke again.

“Why did you do that to me?”

John didn’t have enough time or enough sobriety to give the answer in its full glory so decided to summarize it.

“I love you.”

Maybe he should’ve said a little more. Explained something - anything.Either way, it would’ve made no difference. Jesse was always an angry person.  _He thought if he got angry enough he could probably kill someone._

He didn’t kill John. But he kicked him as a final blow for what he said. He felt he didn’t owe John a verbal response but he gave one anyway.

“You’re unlovable.”

He didn’t really mean it - he couldn’t, not when he loved John so deeply. They say love and hate aren’t opposites, and that they can coexist, but right now all the hatred he felt pushed out any love and compassion he had ever felt for the man lying in pain on the floor He needed to find short words to make John hurt as bad as he hurt right now, as much as he would hurt for quite a while because, through all he did, he felt he did it out of love. The manipulation was all because he loved John because he wanted John to always stay with him. He thought it was out of love anyway.

And it did make John hurt. More than the physical blows he had already taken. He eventually scrambled out of the room, grabbing his belt from in front of the door. He didn’t bother looking back at Jesse, he wasn’t sure if he could ever face him again.


	14. Such a strain to remain so docile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter again. Is this chapter a hint to brighter days - yes, but things are still sucky for a while. But a better sucky. This is up until the point that was missing so the next three chapters are pre-written but I really should edit them.
> 
> chapter lyric from: It never gets easier - straylight run

When John woke up hungover that morning he couldn’t remember a few things. He couldn’t remember how exactly he’d got home. He couldn’t remember when he put his belt on. He couldn’t really remember leaving the party at all.

He could remember absolutely everything else and wished he couldn’t.

He wondered about going to Confession. He hadn’t done it in a really long time since he really didn’t like religion all that much at least he said that because he had a real struggle with it even after all these years. It was comforting, church. He’d done it every week for most of his life, it was consistent. Confession also made him feel less guilty and that’s exactly what he needed right now.

He had a lot of thoughts in his head. He was prepared for his entire life to fall apart because he had always been a lonely person and his whole life he felt like Jesse was the only person he had ever had and even though he hated him for everything he’d done it was much harder to hate him when John himself was in the wrong. Not that Jesse was great because John’s rib still ached badly and he was wondering if he should go to the doctor for that but he really didn’t have the money.

He was trying not to think about how the events of just one night would remove Jesse from his life forever, someone he loved, craved, needed. Maybe it’s Jesse’s fault for making John feel like he needed him. Maybe it’s his own fault for being so lonely in the first place.

He was also trying not to think about how the only person he ever felt truly loved him, called him unlovable. He knew it was in a moment of anger but John felt it was one of the few times that Jesse wasn’t trying to twist things so maybe he felt like it might be Jesse’s real truth. That John could never be loved, by anyone.

It was overwhelming. John had given up his sanity for Jesse. Jesse had convinced him that everything they did was fine. John wondered if everything that was happening was karma. Gods curse for everything they’d done. He really was starting to wonder if Jesse was the devil. Jesse had been doing everything John had been doing and yet John was the one getting punished for it. Shouldn’t Jesse be punished just as much, unless of course, he was the punishment. The temptation, the sin, and the punishment. All in one. John was doomed from the start.

That would’ve hurt badly if John was thinking about it, but he wasn’t. He wasn’t thinking about anything. Pushing it out was the easiest thing to do and he’d let it in eventually.

What he did think about, was how Jesse would continue to react, because he wasn’t that simple. Physical blows wouldn’t cut it for him. John had to prepare himself for whatever revenge plan that his former best friend, former lover, would enact on him.

_ They knew each other a long time. John caught on to who Jesse was. Jesse looks out for number one above all else. He would easily throw John under the bus to protect himself. _

Jesse had no intention of ever talking to John ever again. If they had each other’s stuff well they’d just have to keep it because if they tried to speak John would try to explain himself and maybe Jesse would hate him a bit less and maybe he wouldn’t get revenge so he couldn’t do that because he needed to make John hurt worse than he hurt right now because Jesse always knew to hurt John first but he didn’t get chance, if he couldn’t be first well then he’d make it hurt worse.

Jesse didn’t really know what to do. There was no elaborate plan. He did the classic “tell everyone and turn everyone against him” move. It would hurt the adequate amount - maybe it would hurt John more than anyone else because he was so afraid of being alone.

Jesse had left Taking Back Sunday. What John had done was the final nail in the coffin for him. He only told Antonio because it was the first one of them he saw, he just assumed Antonio would tell the rest.

That was the last of the connection he had with them. Telling the story to them was pointless - John would probably tell them anyway and they wouldn’t care because bands are jobs and it seemed to be falling apart and he didn’t think they’d want to find a replacement for John over some friend feud. 

Jesse knew he could come out of this as the innocent one, but it wasn’t in his nature to be the innocent one. What he did next he personally didn’t think was all that bad but he’d be lying to say he didn’t predict that a lot of bad things could come from it - it would put John in danger but maybe he didn’t care anymore, maybe he did care to the point it drove him to the edge. 

He told everyone that would listen, that John was gay. 

It had been one of Johns biggest fears with Jesse. Jesse didn’t know that but if he did it wouldn’t have made a difference. 

Of course, Jesse couldn’t tell the real full story, he told everyone that the reason John did it was that he was jealous of Charlotte because he was in love with Jesse. Jesse never told anyone about himself or the way he liked John because he didn’t want anyone even trying to see Johns side of things - only see his, he didn’t care if people knew he liked guys really, at least he didn’t think he cared but he must’ve because he never told anyone. 

* * *

John did tell the rest of the band what had happened and honestly, they didn’t really care, he clearly was upset about it and they weren’t exactly going to tell him “that’s a shitty thing to do” because he clearly already knew that. Right now the focus was on replacing two band members since the drummer Steven left too and he wasn’t too hard to replace since Mark O' Connell lived (relatively) near.

Replacing the bassist was a different issue, not that it was really an issue at all except for the fact Eddie chose someone who didn’t even live in the state.

Eddie seemed to read John a little too well because he told him to private message the guy on forums (since calls are too expensive when you’re trying to save all your money) and Eddies reasons were “I think you need it.” and maybe he did need it so he took up Eddie’s request. 

His name was Adam, and he seemed cool. They hit it off weirdly well, confiding in each other in a way you find difficult in person. They were strangers and it made it easier. John didn’t say that he was gay or what Jesse did originally. He only told Adam what he did, painting himself as a villain in favour of telling the truth and outing himself, he didn’t feel the need because he felt that bitter jealousy and resentment wasn’t even a good enough reason. And if he truly was sorry for what he had done, he didn’t need to explain himself. He had to let people judge him, but Adam didn’t. Adam seemed to say things like “you seem sorry.” instead of ignoring it or telling him that it was shitty. He got the impression Adam knew it was shitty but somehow thought it was a one-time thing. It was true, John didn’t think he’d ever be capable of something like that ever again.

It was clear that Adam was very serious about joining the band and it made sense to John since he seemed to have no life plans, John supposed it was true for both of them.

Adam moved quickly, too quickly. John would’ve been concerned if they hadn’t got on so well but he didn’t want to be concerned because he was hoping maybe he could have a good friend again and maybe he wouldn’t mess it up this time.

He wondered what Adam looked or sounded like due to the fact they only talked through typing. He would’ve had hope, but hope was an emotion and if he felt anything he’d feel everything. He wasn’t ready to face that yet. Not really. He didn’t know if he ever would be.


	15. It's a campaign of distraction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Seriously this story diverts so far off anything based on truth, but hey, what does it matter.This is the first chapter Adam is in properly and I'm happy I finally got here (even if it was after 30000 odd words)
> 
> Sorry for bullying John so much in this. I’m evil and I know it - but it makes for a better happy ending which there will be because I love happy endings. 
> 
> ps. I’m not American I’ve never been to an IHOP idk how it works. Just ignore it. 
> 
> Chapter title lyric: Ghost man on third - tbs
> 
> Thank you for reading this much!!! It makes me happy to know someone else is reading this and it’s not just me. :)

Eddie got Adam a job at IHOP and let him sleep on his couch. John knew this because Eddie told him. He hadn’t actually met Adam yet. There was no setup for when it would really happen so he did something completely in character with the person he supposed he now was. Something impulsive. He decided to just show up at Adams job. 

He never actually went there before. He didn’t think of himself as a big pancake fan. He wondered if he was being stupid thinking he would just see the guy at his job. Plus he had no idea what he looks like. He was still staring absentmindedly into the menu when a tall man stopped at the side of his table. 

“You ready?”

Southern accent, he noted. He glanced towards him and saw a little name tag. ‘Adam’. This had worked out extremely well so far. 

“Not really. I can’t remember ever having a pancake”

Adam laughed. What the fuck was this guy doing here and who the fuck has never had a pancake?

“Are you here to make it a first or what?”

Adam was surprisingly cheery for being in a minimum wage job. Maybe it was a chill day, John thought. He didn’t think for a second that maybe Adam was admiring the way he looked. 

“No I’m.... well I was looking for someone. But I think I found him.”

Adam tilted his head to the side. He had no clue what this guy meant.

“Uh”

“It’s you by the way”

“Yeah I’m not understanding this”

“Oh!” John realized he never introduced himself. He stretched out his hand though it looked weird with him sitting and Adam standing. 

“I’m John.”

“Oh! John!... shit I could probably take a break now hold on.” 

He hurried away and said something over the counter at the back. When he came back he sat across from John. 

“Nice to meet you.” Adam suddenly sounded really nervous. He was okay with strangers but, he had to hit it off well with John. He liked their internet conversations and desperately needed a friend in the band. He saw Eddie as more of a fill-in father figure than a friend. He thought maybe it was weird to see him that way but he couldn't help it.

John noticed the change in his behaviour. He was nervous too but he didn’t know how to make Adam feel more comfortable. 

“This is awkward, I’m sorry” John filled in. 

“Yeah I know, I’m not really sure where to start here since we’ve already got all our conversations out of the way.”

John smiled. He was right really. They already knew each other quite well. 

“How do you like New York?”

“It’s... better than home.”

John knew Adam didn’t like home. 

John was about to open his mouth when his phone rang. It was his father. He said something along the lines of 'come home right now.' It sounded like a threat more than anything else. And John was fucking terrified. 

“I guess I have to go I...”

“Do you want me to come with you? I have an hour break today.”

“Yeah. Maybe. Sorry.”

“Don’t be” Adams small smiles were still wide, John found it comforting. 

John drove Adam to his own house and said he should stay in the car while he figured out what’s going on. 

When he walked in his parents and Michelle were standing in the hallway. Oh no. 

Michelle looked, saddened. She looked up at him like her best friend had died or something. But of course, that’s not what this was.

John could guess, it wasn’t hard. He didn’t talk to his family that much even though he lived there, there was no good reason for them all to be gathered there. He noted his father had an expression that would’ve been adequate if his wife had cheated on him but that wouldn’t have anything to do with John so he thought of what he could’ve done. 

It was no secret that Jesse had told everyone that John was gay, John wasn’t shocked by it, he knew it would hurt him eventually, but he hadn’t encountered his high school friend group yet so he didn’t know what they thought of it. What he was afraid of, though, was friends telling their parents and parents telling other parents and ultimately it would all get back to his own family and he never truly stopped being scared of what reaction they could have, and he was right to be scared 

“You can’t live in this house anymore John.” His father’s tone was harsh. No one had explained anything yet but. John knew _exactly_ what was going on. He knew what they knew. 

“Dad I-“

“Don’t call me that. You’re not my son.”

John didn’t know what to say. He needed to be careful. He needed to be safe. 

“It’s not my fault”

“It is your fault. You know everyone knows”

“I didn’t tell anyone I didn-“

“Yeah, you thought you could keep it a secret.” He tried to ignore his father's words and looked towards his mother. She didn’t look sad like Michelle but, she didn’t look like she entirely agreed with what her husband was doing.

He couldn’t tell if all this was out of character for his father - he really didn’t interact with him all that often. His father had been moderately nice though strange in the last few years. Compared to that version of him, the person speaking seemed like an entirely different person. However, when John really thought about it, he had a few memories from childhood that made this all make sense. He supposed even though people seem to change maybe they really don’t.

His father took a few steps forward and grabbed him by the front of his shirt. 

“You’re going to get your stuff. And you’re going to leave. You’re never going to speak to any of us ever again.”

John knew his father wanted to say more, but was struggling with how long he wanted him in the house. John ran to his room and grabbed everything he could. He didn’t expect to be kicked out of the house today but he was always on edge about it. He had planned it all out to a T. Got bags for his stuff and everything. He expected this. He got his stuff fast. He got back to the hall and struggled to carry his bags. He wasn’t very strong. 

He placed his bags down near the door. He wanted to say bye - if he was never going to see them again. He couldn’t imagine that was true. He’d see them all eventually. His mother wouldn’t look at him, his father wasn’t in the hall anymore. 

“Bye, Michelle”

“Bye John.”

Michelle genuinely started crying now. She was quiet but it was obvious. He couldn't remember ever seeing her cry, not since one time she fell when she was eight since then he just assumed she never cried but he realized that was stupid because everyone cries just no one likes to be seen while they're doing it

His father returned to the hallway.

“Why aren’t you gone yet?” He was still fuming 

“I’m going now...”

His father stepped up to him. He wondered if his father would actually say goodbye. Act like he cared for a second. Act like his father. But he didn’t, he punched him in the face.

“Wha...” he was shocked. He didn’t expect it at all. He knew he was pissed but he was supposed to be some sort of pacifist. Physical aggression had been a theme in his childhood, he supposed his father must’ve become a pacifist in more recent years, this moment must’ve been him breaking this pacifism.

He punched him again, and again, and again until John was on the floor. It was safe to say he was getting Deja vú because he had only been hurt this bad twice in his life and for some reason, these events were too close together.

“Stop.. please..”

He meant it. He didn’t want to sound weak. He would’ve taken it if he could. But it hurt, bad. In more ways than one. On the ground, he thought he was slightly safe, but he wasn’t. He started kicking him repeatedly the same way, in different places. John turned over onto his back. He needed to cough and he was hoping he would only cough up air. He felt his father's shoe press down on his sternum. He looked at his mother and sister. He was glad Michelle wasn’t doing anything. He wasn’t entirely sure she wouldn’t get hurt, and she had been nice to him. He wished she didn’t have to witness this. His mother he expected more of, but she just watched it happen. 

How could being gay be that bad? To warrant this. To John, beating your own child up seemed like more of a sin. Religion wasn’t stupid but, the way his father went about it was. 

His father pushed harder on his chest with his foot. 

“You’re a disgrace, faggot.” There it was. 

John didn’t know what expression he gave his father in response. All he could feel was pain right now. 

“I know.”

His father let him stand up. 

He struggled to stand, struggled worse to pick up his bags. He remembered Adam in the car. He was glad because he didn’t think he could drive in this state. But he didn’t exactly plan to get beat up the day he met him. 

Adam heard the back door of the car open. John put his bags in. He knocked on Adams’s side of the car and Adam cracked the door open to hear him.

“You might need to drive.” Adam couldn’t see him properly but climbed into the driver's seat anyway. They just met he didn’t want to ask too many questions. John sat down on the passenger's side. The seat was warm. 

Adam looked over to him, and he noticed. 

He struggled to find a place where it looked like John hadn’t been hit. He gasped looking at him. Not out of disgust or anything - his heart hurt for him. Even if they weren’t friends yet. His heart hurt. 

John wanted to clear the tension. “I might be staying with you and Eddie...” he tried to laugh but it hurt his chest and came out as sort of a wheeze. 

Adam started the car. 

“Is that where we’re going?”

“Don’t you have to go back to work?”

“I have time.”

John was thankful. Eddie might let him sleep on the floor or something. John didn’t want to invade his space. He just needed somewhere to not be homeless until he got his own place. He’d been saving up rent for a while so money wasn’t the issue. 

He heard Adam break the silence again. 

“What happened”

“I got kicked out..”

“No I mean.. why..” Adam glanced sadly at John and John noticed. 

“Eyes on the road.”

“I’m just checking if you’re okay.”

“I’m not.”

“Nothing you did could’ve excused this, you know.”

“I’ve never been sure about that, but I think I agree”

“You can tell me.”

“I’m not even 100% sure. Someone told them something anyway... word gets around here....” 

“What are the options”

“Either they’re mad that I’m gay or that I slept with my best friend, in a gay way.”

Adams breath stopped. John expected something homophobic at first but glanced at the way Adam looked. He didn’t exactly dress or wear his hair like someone who loves god. 

Adam was really just shocked. Slightly by the tone of voice that John had used, but also because he wasn’t entirely sure what to think. Adam didn’t grow up with religion down his throat but the town he lived in wasn’t exactly the poster for tolerance. He was more shocked by the fact John got beaten up and kicked out for it, and by the way he said it, he knew who the best friend was. He hadn’t met him. Thinking about him made him feel... bitter. Which he thought didn't really make sense because wasn't John the bad one between them? Adam didn't think John was that bad and noted he'd have to ask for the full story eventually. He couldn’t identify the feeling he had towards this man he never met. It felt like jealousy, which Adam thought was stupid but sometimes you feel something that feels like a specific emotion but you have no reason for it and he guessed maybe this is just one of those times. 

“Are you going to kick me out of my own car?” John was joking but he was also afraid. He was supposed to become friends with Adam not out himself the second he met him. 

“No no I..I’m just thinking..”

“About how to ask me not to have a crush on you?”

Adam smiled at the thought of John having a crush on him. _Oh no._

“No, I'm just being selfish... thinking about myself”

“What do you mean?”

It's really not that Adam cared if he was straight or not. He hadn't thought about it too much except when he was drunk because he thought those were the best times to think about things you usually don't like to confront because it makes it matter less. He hadn't _struggled_ with it the way John had, at the same time though Adam never really had any friends for too long so he never had a crush on them and the only reason he ever questioned whether men were hot or not was from movies he watched and he'd never have the opportunity to fuck them anyway so he couldn't get hurt. Not like John had. Adam had never been with a man and didn't really intend to because that seemed complicated and he didn't like complicated.

Adam just sort of looked at John. He didn’t exactly want to say ‘I’m probably the same' just in case they started kissing and Adam started panicking plus crash the car. He tried to put on this fake-confident persona at all times. He didn’t exactly want to break it by questioning his sexuality in its entirety through his new friend's mouth on his. In the back of his mind too though he wondered, would John even like him? 

John didn't know what the look was meant to be but he summarized it as being a personal issue for Adam so he was content that it had nothing to do with himself. He didn't need any more people to beat him up - His rib was now an injury on a previous injury and he was really wondering about going to the doctor but then thought about how he definitely doesn't have the money anymore since he'd have to get an apartment. To break John's thoughts, Adam removed his second hand from the wheel and placed it over John's hand. 

It wasn’t a romantic thing. He just wanted to comfort him any way he could right now. Even if they didn’t know each other. 

The car ride was silent for the rest of the time. John tried not to think of Adams hand over his. He knew it wasn’t romantic, but John was lonely and Adam's hand was soft, so he started to think about how Adam was attractive. Not just attractive but.. pretty. 

Yeah. Adam was Pretty, but John was trying not to look at him.

* * *

Adam fiddled with the key at the door. John wondered if Eddie had a spare key or got a new one made. 

As the door cracked open Adam asked “Need help with your bags?”

“No, I'm probably-“

“Yeah, you do.”

John had a lot of bags. Adam could’ve picked any, but he took the one on John's shoulder and it made John realize that he hadn't had good physical human contact for quite a while now.

He picked up two of his own bags and dragged them in the door, as he watched Adam get the rest he realized even though Adam was tall, he wasn’t very strong, but tried his best to act like he wasn’t struggling.

“Eddie you home?” Adam called out.

“kitchen” they both heard coming from the direction of the kitchen obviously.

They left Johns bags in the hallway not really sure were John would stay.

“Oh hey, John” Eddie didn’t look up as he said it. Must’ve heard his voice talking to Adam, or maybe somehow recognized him by his shoes, he was cooking something. Neither of the other two were sure what it was.

“Uh, I need to ask a favour” Eddie finally looked towards John, this was going to be an actual conversation.

“What the fuck happened??” Eddie looked to Adam for an answer. He assumed he must know if he’s standing there with him, and John wasn’t really shy but, everyone knew he found it difficult to talk about things sometimes.

“Was it your dad?” Adam turned slightly. John realized he never actually said who did it, just why.

“Yeah, it was... I got kicked out.” He directed the second half of the sentence towards Eddie.

He knew what it meant. Just another guy living at his place.

“Yeah, you can stay here.” Eddie didn’t ask why he got kicked out. He wasn’t entirely sure if he wanted or needed to know. But he wasn’t exactly planning to make John homeless, and John didn’t exactly a lot of friends, and none of them would let him stay with them. As long as John didn’t rob him he was cool with it.

“Where can I sleep?” It was really all John was concerned about. He needed sleep.

“I’ve meant to get a second couch, but I haven’t gotten it yet, you cool sleeping on the floor 'til then?”

“Yeah, that’s great” John wanted Eddie to know how much he appreciated it.

“You’re not fucking sleeping on the floor” Adam sounded firm.

“What”

“I’ll take the floor, you’re hurt.”

It made sense really. John wasn’t even entirely sure how Adam even fit on the couch. It wasn’t that long. He would’ve argued with him, but he really was hurt. He didn’t hate it that much. The pain was distracting him from the mental issues he was going to have to deal with when he did go to sleep.

“Okay... you have work.”

“Yeah I- shit can I take your car unless you want to sit in ihop for hours.” John laughed. Something seemed very funny about waiting there.

“You can take it.”

“Thanks.” He flashed him a smile before leaving the room and ultimately getting in the car.

“Whatcha makin’”

“You’ll see.” 


	16. I had no expectations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chpt lyric: best places to be a mom - tbs
> 
> This chapter probably could’ve been split in two but whatever. I think it’s cute. I prefer this plot now really. 
> 
> Hope you’ve been enjoying so far <3 I’m still v grateful.

John was wondering if he should’ve stolen a pillow from home. He assumed Eddie would have extras but he just felt so bad asking, so he thought the couch cushions would have to do.

Really these thoughts didn’t matter, he was just distracting himself as long as he could. It was all so strange. Everything was happening so fast. It felt like his entire life had been not only uprooted, but burned, bombed, anything violent. Everything was gone except himself and the stuff he picked. He hated him but, losing Jesse was enough. He should’ve only needed to cope with that, not losing his family, his home too. Not to mention losing all his teenage friends not that it mattered - oh, he also lost the respect of the entire community he’d grown up knowing. Well and truly he felt like he was only born today and would have to build his life from now. 

He knew he felt this, but he didn’t want to think about any of it. He’d love to be distracted right now but Eddie, Eddie’s girlfriend, Adam and himself were sitting in silence, eating. 

The dinner turned out to be lasagna. Eddie really was a good cook, it was something he was known for. That and starting way too many bands.But John was more grateful for everything than Eddie could begin to imagine. They didn’t even know each other that well, and he knew Eddie was only doing it to finally keep a successful band despite all odds, but he was still grateful. He would’ve been on the streets without him. He only had one person before, and that person was long gone, that person was the reason for all of this. He told everyone. He ruined Johns life. He felt the resentment but the worst part of betrayal is the remnants of love and understanding that linger. 

Adam spoke. “So John you’re going to need a blanket.” 

Eddie stood up not saying anything. John wondered if he was mad, but no, he had food in his mouth and was being polite. He walked out of the room to the hot press and threw a new blanket onto the couch. 

“Thank you.” John didn’t know how to truly express his thanks, he just hoped Eddie understood. 

* * *

After the worlds most psychologically challenging dinner, John decided to lay on the couch. The pain was starting to set in even worse than before. Every time he moved it hurt.

Adam followed behind him, afraid that John might drop dead or something.

As John tried to lay down properly he ended up involuntarily sucking the air through his teeth in an inward hiss noise. Adam rushed over immediately and got on his knees in front of the couch.

“Are you okay?” His voice was laced with concern. John wasn’t entirely sure why Adam cared so much. From talking to him online, he thought Adam seemed fairly apathetic.

“Yeah I. Fuck I just, I know it hurts but I’m still shocked.” He laughed after saying it. He felt stupid. Pain made him stupid. Or maybe he was always stupid. Probably the latter. But still, there was so much pain he felt like he was drunk.

Adam stood up again and walked back to the kitchen. He returned with a glass of water in his hand, a small bottle of painkillers in the other, and an ice pack under his arm.

He kneeled for the second time and placed the glass in Johns hand. Placing the ice pack down at the edge of the couch and opening the painkillers himself. He shook two out onto his hand, then giving them to John. Adam spoke as John downed them.

“They probably won’t do much”

When John was finished drinking the water he responded.

“As long as it does something.” He gave the other man a small smile, like Adam had been giving him so many times earlier.

Adam placed his hand on the side of Johns face to feel if it was warm. It was.

Adam then held the ice pack, wrapped in the blanket so it wasn’t raw ice to the face, to Johns face.

Adam never saw himself as a carer. He felt that he was either cared for or there was no care going on at all. John had been the first person Adam had opened up to in a long time, it was easy in writing, he couldn’t imagine saying any of it in person, but he knew that John knew, he felt _connected_ to him now.

John felt like the moment was, intimate. He liked having a friend again, without Adam here he knew he’d feel extremely lonely. Though he found it hard to admit, John really did struggle with loneliness. He struggled for a long time. The only close person in his life, the only one he felt truly cared about him and truly listened, was someone who still managed to make him feel completely worthless. John wasn’t a suicidal man, but he found it hard not to think of how much easier it would be to be gone. I mean who would it really affect. Not his family, not the man who’s name he didn’t dare even think, but now Adam would care, maybe even if it was just a little, even if he was apathetic.

He knew Adam was a suicidal man, they had talked about it. He was starting to realize maybe they talked a little too much. John had told him about his family who he felt distant from, his best friend who he betrayed but couldn’t explain why he was so mad to begin with, because telling a southerner you had a sex buddy system going on with a man wasn’t exactly the best move. He supposed he could tell him the real story now.

“You know, if it isn’t obvious, there’s more to that betrayal story I told you about.”

“It definitely is obvious, but tell me.” He smiled at him again. John liked it. It was comforting.

“He was my first everything. I wasn’t his but... I loved him, so much. But he wanted the picket fence life really. It’s the best way to explain it. He wanted it all. I was just someone he fucked in private.”

John had thought about this, but he never could articulate the words in his head before now. 

He could see the jolt of shock that hit Adam at his choice of words, but he continued.

“He dated. His reasons were terrible and I just got sick of it. I don’t even like girls. I just.... I know I went about it wrong way...”

“He told everyone didn’t he?”

John thought for someone who didn’t graduate high school, Adam sure was smart.

“Yeah.”

“This is all his fault.”

John knew it technically wasn’t. It wasn’t Jesse’s hands who caused this damage, it wasn’t Jesse who kicked him out not knowing if he’d have a place to sleep. But it was easier just to blame one person for everything. 

“Yeah.”

Adam looked, angry, of sorts. John wondered if he somehow made a man hate someone he never even met. He expected him to say something, but he didn’t, he just looked at him. John needed to fill the silence or he’d think too much.

“Do you hate me?”

Adam looked at him like he accused him of murder.

“Now why would I do that?”

“For being a faggot...”

Adam had clarified earlier he didn’t care about that, but John was vulnerable and sad and fucking terrified so Adam just guessed he needed to be reminded.

Adam leant forward and kissed him on the forehead, not in a romantics sense. Adam hadn’t figured all that out yet, but he had already developed a soft spot shockingly fast for the man with weak breathing right in front of him. He just wanted to make him feel a little better. If he was homophobic he definitely wouldn’t have touched him never mind kissed him, and it was all the comfort John needed.

John wasn’t entirely sure what Adam meant by kissing him on the forehead though. He knew it at least meant he didn’t care if John was gay but everything else was very fuzzy.

Adam moved away to adjust his blankets on the floor and John felt bad. There was a rug on the floor to sort of cushion him but it was still the floor and he was going to wake up with a lot of pain. Not as much pain as John had, but a lot regardless.

Adam didn’t lie down, he was just setting up. It was too early to sleep, John was really only lying down because he felt like he couldn’t move again. John watched Adam leave the room and return with a bottle that had a sticky label plastered on with ‘Adam’ scribbled on it.

Adam sat against the couch, his back against the bottom of it and his head where Johns shins were. He opened it and drank it straight from the bottle.

John couldn’t understand his reasoning for drinking at like 8pm when nothing even happened to him. If anything John needed a drink but he wasn’t entirely sure if he wanted a hangover on top of the pain he was already in.

They sat in silence until Adam passed him the bottle.

“You should probably talk about it.”

John had no clue what Adam meant.

“Talk about what?”

“You just got kicked out of your house man, you can’t feel nothing about that.”

“It’s not that I don’t feel anything, I’m just choosing not to think about it.”

“Better think about it now now rather than when you’re alone.”

He supposed Adam had a point. Adam was there, he could talk to him, so he did.

“It feels like shit.”

“You gotta elaborate on that. Give me your thesis.”

“Fine.... It’s lonely. I never, I never felt close to people. I never felt like I could be close to people. It’s my fault really, I didn’t make any effort. But I guess someone did make the effort. Broke down the walls and all that. I guess I should’ve known people only do that when they want something from you.”

“So it’s about him then?” Adam had of course never met Jesse, but he still hated him for a lot of reasons and simultaneously no reasons at all.

“Not really, I just know I wouldn’t be lying here feeling guilty on Eddies couch if we were still.... god. Whatever we were.”

John took a large gulp from the bottle. He needed this.

“Is that what you’re feeling as well? guilt?”

“Yeah. This shouldn’t be Eddies problem, or yours. We only just met and you’ve already had to take care of me.”

Adam already admitted to himself that he felt weird about that last part, he never took care of anyone. He wasn’t able to.

John spoke again. “I guess I’m not confronting the real issue. It’s not that I was super close with my family but... They were still my family. My mom, I thought... I just didn’t think she’d let it all happen.”

“You have a sister don’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“How was she?”

“Good... I told her about it, a long time ago. She kept the secret.”

“Can I have that back?”

John passed Adam the bottle again. 

“So why are you drinking then?”

“It’s what I always do. There’s nothing better to do.”

“Yeah there is, like not peeling yourself off the floor in the morning and having to take more painkillers than me.” 

Adam smiled at his joke, and John continued. 

“But seriously. Why?”

“It’s selfish man. I’m not talking about my problems after what happened to you.”

“It’s better than thinking alone” repeating Adams point from earlier 

“It’s just that. Thinking. I don’t want to think.”

“What are you thinking about?”

“Doesn’t matter... It’s all stupid shit.” Adam knew exactly what he wanted to say. It was just too on topic with John’s story. It only was brought to the front of his mind now, he had tons of struggles. Right now he was just choosing one. 

John just looked at him. He couldn’t begin to guess what Adam could be thinking about but he didn’t want to push it. So they just drank until Adam went to bed early for the first time in his life. The painkillers made John sleepy and he had no trouble sleeping. Whereas Adam half drank himself to sleep. 

* * *

John woke up just as sore as he expected. Adam was pretty much dead on the floor. 

He was going to go into the kitchen until he realized he could not stand up. It’s not that he couldn’t per se, he just felt that the pain was blinding and he’d probably pass out before he got to eat anyway so he stayed on the couch until someone else woke up.

“Adam.”

He was getting hungry and didn’t want to wait anymore.

“Adam!”

He picked up the bottle lying on the floor and poked him with it.

“Fuck do you want?”

“Cmon man.”

Adam woke up painfully slowly and only after he stretched did he even look at John.

“What?” John noted that Adam acted like an absolute child when you try to wake him up, then again he sort of was one. He was only 18 or 19, John couldn’t remember.

“I’m hungry.”

Adam thought John was the one who acted like a child. He didn’t have the age excuse.

“Go get food then.”

“I can’t get up”

“Why not?”

John angrily gestured at his entire body until Adam got the message.

“Shit, sorry, yeah.”

Adam wandered into the kitchen with the worst posture John had ever seen.

He came back and handed John a banana. John almost laughed.

“What the fuck man?”

“What?”

“That’s it?” John was significantly shorter than Adam but that didn’t mean he needed child-like portions.

“Eddie doesn’t get cereal.”

He could see that Adam was holding another banana for himself. John supposed if it was good enough for the other man it was good enough for him. They ate in silence. John made a mental note to check what Adam was eating because if he thought this was enough he was insane.

“I don’t want to be that guy, but do you drink coffee?” John really didn’t want to send Adam to the kitchen again but he also really wanted coffee.

“Fine.” He went into the kitchen for the second time that morning but took just as long. John wondered if Adam was super fast at making coffee or just genuinely spent time looking for something for them both to eat.

“Do you not buy food for yourself?” John was genuinely curious. It’s not like he didn’t have a job.

“I just started working. I will I just, I need to settle first.”

It was a good reason.

“I need to look for a place.”

“Do you have the money?”

“Yeah, I’m only staying here until I find a place, then I’m out.”

Adam looked saddened. John couldn’t think of why until he realized maybe Adam was just as lonely as he is. Even though Adam did it by choice, his entire life was uprooted too. This was all new to him.

“How do you even get places to live?” Adam was serious. He had genuinely no idea.

“Look online I guess. I don’t know how they did it before the internet.”

“I’m not even entirely sure Eddie has a computer.”

“How would you not know that?”

“Dude I’ve only been in three rooms. Kitchen. Sitting room. Bathroom. I’m not allowed anywhere else.”

John found it quite funny really. It was like Adam was on room arrest.

On cue they heard Eddie open the kitchen door.

“I’ll ask him.”

Adam left for the kitchen for the third time this morning.

He near skipped back in.

“He has like an office room. Isn’t that so cool? We get to go in it!” John really started to realize how childlike Adam was, apart from the drinking of course.

* * *

John scrolled through real estate websites with the filters “apartment” and sorting from the lowest price first. Adam stood behind the chair.

They did not talk about how Adam had to lift John into the office because John still hurt all over. It still hurt to be carried, just not as bad as walking.

“That’s the best one I think.” Adam chimed in from behind him.

“You know I actually thought so too, I’ll check it out in person.”

“Not any time soon” Adam laughed.

“No you could just drive me there, and carry me around the place.” They laughed again.

“Seriously, you should stay here as long as possible; to heal.” John was caught off guard by Adams blatant vulnerability and awful cover up. He’d gained the confidence to say what at he wanted over time, so he had no trouble calling Adam out on his bullshit.

“You don’t want me to leave.”

He turned around on the chair to look at him.

“Maybe I don’t.”

“Why?”

“I like you. You’re nice to me. It’s not like no ones nice to me I just...” Adam ran his hands through his hair.

“...I just like you. Your personality.” John really could tell how lonely Adam was. He’d mentioned never really showing up at school, never really having friends.

“I don’t get that.”

“Of course you don’t. I imagine it’s hard to be self-confident after you, y’know.”

“Lost all my friends or got kicked out of the house, literally kicked.”

“All of the above.”

John didn’t really know what to say. He felt that a return of vulnerability would be the best option considering Adams voice kept wavering through his sentences after saying he liked him.

“Well I like you too. What’s the word... we uh.. click. Yeah. You.... get it.”

“Get what.”

“It. I don’t know what it means man. I just feel like you get me.”

“Yeah I feel the same.”

“But I really do need to move out of here.”

It did make Adam sad to think about. That his new friend, the first person he didn’t fake half his personality to, only spent one night there before trying to escape, but it made sense, he felt guilty staying there. Of course he’d want to leave.

“you’re going to have to wait until you’re good enough to walk because I’m not fucking carrying you for an apartment tour.”

They were laughing again - Thank God. Too many feelings gets awkward


End file.
